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Monday, February 09, 2009

Why pandas suck

Know what really sucks? Pandas. You may "ooh" and "aah" over their cuteness but if you think about it, they're really stupid animals.

First, there's the diet. 99% of what they eat is bamboo, which is so nutritionally inefficient that they have to eat 40 pounds of that stuff per day. Oh, also, the dumb bears are really lousy at actually digesting it, resulting in a whole lot of bamboopoo. Not so smart.

Next, let's talk about that adorable black and white fur. Pandas live in the mountains of China, not the pre-house dropping Kansas from Wizard of Oz. Maybe the fur makes them cute, but it's horrible camouflage. In addition, they're fat and slow so you'd think disguises would be a higher priority.

Also, they have violent hidden agendas. They lure you in with their adorableness and then THEY EAT YOUR FACE!!! One bear in China has attacked tourists three times. It's not the humans' fault, of course. They're helpless against the powers of the blood-thirsty bear.

And finally, let's talk about reproduction. Pandas are notoriously bad at sex. They're even worse than that guy from your freshman history class. Yeah, that bad. Captive pandas just have no interest in sex, leaving researchers showing them videos of panda-porn and sneaking Viagra in the males' bamboo.

As if all of that isn't enough, they live in China so you know they must be communist polluters plotting to take over the world and ruin life as we now know it.

So there you go. All the reasons that pandas totally suck. Come back tomorrow when I share all of the reasons that Queen is the worst rock band EVER.

23 comments:

Sarah said...

aaaahahahahahaha. you have problems.

kimber p said...

CATE!!!
Please, I beg of thee...don't spoil my view of you by putting down Queen....I am begging you!!! (down on my knees, asking you to reconsider and I nominate KISS as the worst rock band ever!)

angi_b72 said...

uh oh...i like Queen....now Panda bears i can do without...but Queen...i like...how about another topic...liek Feet...how much I hate feet!! lol

Ryan Ashley Scott@Optimistic Cynicism said...

Maybe this is wrong, but I'm laughing a little thinking about a panda eating someone's face. Just imagine: "hello there panda.. aww, who's a cutsie pootsie panda? Yes you are! Gootchy-gootchy-"

CHOMP!

penguinsandladybugs said...

Found you through SITS...loved the blog...way to be "edgy"!

Shalee- Be Speechless said...

Haha thats too funny!

Thank you for visiting my blog during its week of Sauciness :D

Call Me Cate said...

Sarah - I think I've presented some very clear arguments here. It would be tough to dispute!

Kimber - I'd hate to tarnish my reputation. That makes me wonder what kind of view people have of me. Nope, no wondering, I bet it's scary.

Angie - I agree about the feet hate. Eww.

Ryan - You get me. Awesome. CHOMP!

Penguinsandladybugs - thanks for visiting! Yeah, "edgy", that's me!

Shalee - congrats again on being Saucy! It's a crazy ride but a lot of fun!

HairDizzer said...

hahahhaahaha Cate... I can't stop laughing. And I have to agree that Queen... probably on my top 5 WORST ever. So go ahead. Don't let them talk you out of it. I can't wait to read it!!!!!

SisterFriend said...

I want to see panda porn. I can't believe you hate Queen, can we truly be friends after finding this out about you? *sniff*

Grand Pooba said...

Hmmmm, I'm with SisterFriend, I wanna check out that Panda Porn!

Go ahead and dis Queen all ya want, I won't get offended in the slightest!

A. said...

Cate, you are hilarious! After having been blog-less for the vast majority of the weekend, I come back to your panda-hatred... Freaking fabulous! Thanks for the Monday morning laughs.

soulbrush said...

this is soooooo funny, roflol! and i hate queen too, you GO girl! i am going to add you to my list of favourites on my blog, you are hysterical (funny hyesterical of course!)

Lyndsay said...

That's why they make stupid things cute ... so they at least have something going for them.

R Susanna said...

Now that I know Panda's will eat your face, I so need a Panda coat! And honestly, I have never been able to get past a bunch of guys calling themselves Queen. Bash away!

The Blonde Duck said...

LOL! Love it.

I moved to a new site! Check it out: www.aduckinherpond.com.

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

And Panda tastes really good served with a side of Spotted Owl. ROFLOL!!!
*LOVE* your blog. Keep up the wonderful hilarity. ♥ ∞

blognut said...

I heard pandas are so dumb that they often accidentally eat their babies too.

Be gentle with queen, pick on The Stones instead. I never did like those guys.

Debbi said...

you ever seen the sneezing panda on youtube? It's awesome.

The Wife O Riley said...

Now that I think about it, you are right! How could something survive if it can't have sex?

Pre-house dropping Kansas! *SNORT*

Call Me Cate said...

I love having a place I can mouth off about pressing matters like panda suckage. It's not like you can discuss such hot topics at work.

Deb said...

i am with you on the pandas, but i may have to take you to task on the queen issue. but i am keeping an open mind.

Nicole O'Dell said...

LOL you're crazy! But, I do have a completely new view of pandas!

Thanks for coming by my blog today and for your kind words!

Kaylen said...

Wow, I used to love pandas....but now I'm not going to. I wasn't fully aware of their viciousness.
I wonder if I should also be suspect of koalas (hello, are you a bear or are you not!!) and kangaroos (dude, what do you have in your pouch!!) and lemurs (nothing should be able to hop like that!).
Thanks for this highly important info!!!