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Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Guest Entry: Welcome to Hell Day

Today's guest blog brought to you by blognut over at More Mindless Rambling. We were "saucy" during the same week waaaaay back in the day and I've been faithfully stalking her ever since.

This is not a typical guest post or blog swap though. No way, no how. That would be too easy and you know how I fail at simplicity! You can read my post over at Mo "Mad Dog" Stoneskin's place. At some point, we'll swap back the other direction (it's very complicated - blognut made us a chart and did all the math!) and you can read Mo's awesomeness here.

So enjoy a day that's not "me".   As a bonus, Tonya & Rusty have already claimed tomorrow for First Fursday so you don't have to listen to me again until Friday!

Woo hoo! I get to play over at Cate’s blog today and I couldn’t be more excited. Shush! Don’t tell her that I never pick up after myself and that’s why no one ever let’s me come over to play. She’ll figure it out soon enough, and by then she’ll be really ticked off and that will give her something to blog about tomorrow.

Anyway, here I am and I get to tell you about my worst day from hell. For the most part, this is the kind of crap I have to put up with every day. Yes, this is your opportunity to feel sorry for me. I’m accepting donations or something. You know, whatever you can spare is good.

Hell Day, huh? Well, let’s take it from the top.

6:50am - Jackass alarm clock goes off, bleating like a goat on crack. Slap the shit out of the snooze button, pray for 9 more blessed minutes of sleep, and then peek at the clock with one eye open.

6:50am and 2 seconds - Realize the snooze button has already been applied 7 times and leap out of bed like someone with dynamite lodged in her butt crack.

6:59am – Hit the shower. Remember that the new razorblades are still lying on the desk in the kitchen. Shave with dull blade anyway. Nearly amputate left foot. Swear like sailor. Leave armpits growing goatee.

7:02am – Apply generous amount of shampoo to eyeballs. Go blind for 6 minutes. 

7:08am – Step out of shower onto slippery, wet ceramic tile. Feet go left, towel goes right, ass goes down. Swear like sailor.

7:09am – Recover from fall, glare at self in mirror and wonder what happened to upset the Fates. Notice dry skin. Grease self up like a pig at the fair. Get lotion in shaving injury. Swear like sailor.

7:14am - Yell at The Boy to get out of bed and jump into yesterday’s clothes because I forgot to do laundry. “Don’t worry, Buster. No one cares what you’re wearing.” Make note to dodge calls from Child Welfare.

7:18am – “Just wear Daddy’s socks, I didn’t wash yours yet.” “No one will know that they come up to your crotch if you don’t show anyone your crotch.” “Work with me, Boy! I’m losing it.”

7:20am – Throw waffle at The Boy, throw butter at The Boy, hand The Boy a knife. (What, you thought I’d throw a knife at my kid?) Run back upstairs to plaster face with make-up and don a banker’s costume.

7:30am – Run hose, search for more, find none. Decide to skip the skirt and find pants instead. Apply safety pins and scotch tape for “temporary/permanent” hem. Curse drycleaner for not realizing that scotch tape on pants was actually an invitation to hem pants.

7:39am – Begin the daily ritual of searching for shoes; both mine and The Boy’s. Find one shoe in closet, other shoe behind chair in family room. Mild chew marks on heel of shoe. Polish over it, it’ll have to do. Give up search for The Boy’s tennis shoes and instruct him to wear soccer cleats. “Really, people will think you’re so cool.”

7:50am – Make lunch for The Boy to bring to school. Crap! No bread, no jelly. Smear peanut butter and mustard onto hamburger bun and stuff into the last sandwich bag. Find candy bar and fruit roll-up and throw those into the lunch box, too. Underline earlier instruction to dodge calls from Child Welfare.

7:55am – Out the door! Drop boy at school, being careful to bring car to a complete stop unlike last time which resulted in a call from Child Welfare.

8:02am – Fly onto the on-ramp for I-55 and then notice sea of blazing brake lights. Swear like sailor. Back car up the on-ramp and opt for surface roads instead of interstate.

8:05am – Drive past Starbucks with no time to stop. Shed many tears. Swear like sailor.

9:10am – Arrive to work only 40 minutes after the bank opened. Realize that means I’m only 10 minutes later than usual. Sneak into office and spread files around so it looks like I’ve been there for hours.

9:20am – Find coffee mug with something furry and solid growing in mug. Abandon coffee idea and reach under the desk for the case of Diet Pepsi. Find out the Diet Pepsi is all gone. Swear like sailor.

9:22am – Check blog. Find no comments. Find no hits on site. Feel mighty unloved. Fall into deep state of depression. Begin to actually work.

1:00pm – Give in to hunger pangs and head for the break room. Realize I have forgotten to bring myself a peanut butter and mustard sandwich. Find slightly hairy bit of cheese in the refrigerator, scrape off hair, and eat it anyway.

1:20pm – Return to desk and resolve to get something done.

1:22pm – “Favorite” customer shows up without an appointment and wants to talk about his IRA account. Search for sharp object to jam into my ear. Finding none, review FDIC coverage, IRA regulations, and feign interest during remainder of conversation regarding politics and why the state of the economy is probably the fault of the Democrats. Bite tongue until tongue bleeds and pray for phone to ring.

2:18pm – Starving again. Locate 4 year old tube of cherry Chapstick in desk drawer and eat it.

2:30pm – Get up from desk without remembering to close file drawer. Shatter right leg on desk drawer. Swear like sailor.

2:32pm – Unable to remember where I was going before suffering crippling injury, sit back down and check on blogs. Find only 2 comments. Swear like sailor. Vow never to read any of these people again if they don’t start leaving comments. Read blogs anyway.

3:20pm – Realize how much time has passed while reading blogs and get back to work.

3:30pm – Remember that I was getting up an hour ago because I needed to pee.

3:31pm – Find that the restroom has been rendered uninhabitable by inconsiderate co-worker with irritable bowel syndrome.

3:32pm – Return to desk with full bladder and type up an angry email to staff reading: “Please adapt eating habits to allow for obnoxious shit-making to occur at home. Spraying horrendous amounts of peach air freshener only leaves the restroom smelling like peaches and shit. Stop it, do those things at home.” Decide not to send email to co-workers and send it to SecretSpineless[dot]Whine[at]blogger[dot]com instead.

6:00pm – Give up pretending to work and head for home.

7:00pm – Arrive home to find that no one has emptied the dishwasher, and The Boy has not started his homework. Swear like sailor.

8:30pm – Blog. Read blogs. Check email. Update Facebook status to read, “I’m huddled in the corner eating my own hair.”

11:30pm – Pound last Diet Pepsi of the day and head to bed.

31 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

On the bright side, your networking system isn't blocking blogs!

Vevay Anderson said...

This was a welcome laugh after a rather depressing day!

Kay said...

*Note to self - attempting to read this post and drink hot cocoa at the same time was a BAD idea.
But it did make MY day seem better :)

The Rambler said...

Hilarious.

For me, I'm sure not for you. :)

Right?

Great post!!

mo.stoneskin said...

Blognut sounds to me like you would make a great sailor.

Michelle said...

I was exhausted by 7.59

:0)

Sass said...

Who told you it was okay to write a post about my day?

Well...other than the fact that I have three kids to throw knives...er, I mean hand knives to...and no job...

But...

Anyway. Great post!

Debbi said...

very entertaining. Thanks for guest posting-- fun read!

Sassy Britches said...

I think I might have dislodged something in my brain by repeatedly slapping my head at your shampoo blindness, throwing knives, and eating Chapstick!

sherri said...

I'd follow you anywhere!

cuz you're crazy.

blognut said...

I LOVE IT HERE! I'm staying. Can I stay?

I'm having a good day today. Except I've got this song stuck in my head....

'I've got a brand new pair of rollerskates, you've got a brand new key.'

I'd jam something sharp into my ear to get rid of it, but 'they' have taken all of my sharp objects away from me... again... damn it.

Donnetta said...

Have to go change now. 'Cuz I totally just wet my pants.

Thanks. :)

Diane said...

Wow. You swear a lot. Have you ever considered becoming a sailor?

You KNOW I laughed at the pants hemming. And the peanut butter and mustard sandwich.

Oh, btw, Child Welfare called me, since you've been avoiding their calls. They want you to call them. I said I'd pass on the message.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

Laughing hysterically, especially at the sock bit "... if you don't show anyone your crotch."

Off to find more swap meat.

KekeLynn said...

That's one hell of a day!

C.B. Jones said...

mmmm, peanut butter and mustard sandwich!

Call Me Cate said...

Mucho thanks to Blognut for writing today. And to all of you for showing her some love!

Crystal said...

too funny!

Lora said...

there is nothing funnier to me than "i'll be in the corner" jokes!!

TM said...

3:31 p.m.

Sarah said...

I'm insulted. My everyday should not be your jumping off point for your hell...
Going to find a happy-drunk place now.

San Diego Momma said...

So glad someone else also smears peanut butter and mustard onto a hamburger bun and stuffs into the last sandwich bag.

It was kinda like the time I ran out of all lunch options for my daughter and stuck refried beans in a baggy.

PerplxinTexan♥ said...

More importantly I love how the alarm clock is a jackass.

LMAO!

Bee and Rose said...

I found you, blognut!!!! Hooray!!! Wow! You're supposed to shave your armpits after you have kids....oh....

I love the whole "pretend" you're working thing! lol! (I pretend I'm a mom all day long...)

I love ya!!!

(I was expecting a car accident in that post somewhere....)

blueviolet said...

You need to pull yourself together! ;)

She said...

Seriously, Woman, you are so damn funny! I nearly peed my pants on the "shit and air freshener" bit. I HATE THAT!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Gotta love some goatee underarms...

A Woman Of No Importance said...

It's only taken me a day to find you over here, BN! I thought I could hear someone scalding a cat and then I find out it was you 'swearing like a sailor' on poor Cate's blog, not even in the confines of the lunatic asylum that passes for your blog!

Why is your day so like mine - Now you've reminded me what I hated most about being at work, except I just turn up with hems on my troos falling down into the street and pretend it happened on the journey in! This was just so funny, thank you BN and Cate xxx

the mama bird diaries said...

That does sound like a really really bad day.

Snarky A. said...

Fabulous!

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