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Friday, April 17, 2009

Let's talk about sex

Brief disclaimer - no walrussians and I'm too lazy to link (it's in the text at the head of the page) but I'm finally off my antibiotics so I can drink. And my head is better so I can drink. And after 10 days or so with NO drinks, it doesn't take much vodka to make me feel very willing to share.

The summer a year before Joe and I were married (1997), I was damn determined not to go home. My folks weren't the type that were accepting of "boomerang" children. Or even "summer vacation" children. In fact, their exact words when I left for college were "take it with you when you go, don't expect it to be here when you get back". Ok, cue the warm and fuzzy!

So, that first summer, I was offered a position at my student aide office helping out with their summer programs. In return, they offered free room and grocery reimbursement. Plus, a pathetic hourly wage. Yes please! This also would allow Joe to unofficially reside with me in order to continue his off-campus employment. Win win!

I'll spare the details of that summer, though they're quite fun. They include lying bosses, unbelievable BS work requirements, haunted dorm rooms, no grocery reimbursement and a lack of air conditioning. However, they also include a lovely summer visit from my family.

Unfortunately, I kinda forgot to tell the family that Joe was living in my dorm room. This despite the fact that I had basically told them not to bother calling me at MY dorm room the entire previous year because they wouldn't reach me there - call me at Joe's number! See, my parents like to ignore the elephant in the room unless you yell "OMG THERE'S AN ELEPHANT!". And it steps on them. And poos on their carpet.

So that summer, they said they were coming on a specific weekend. Joe and I spent the week leading up to that visit trying to rid my room of any traces of his existence. His clothes, his books, his laptop, everything put away. Keep in mind, they never ASKED where he was living that summer, yet he know he was "up there" (since we went to school north of home).

You might imagine how awkward the situation was when my father took me aside and we had the following conversation:
Dad: So... are you and Joe living together?
Me: Umm, yeah. It didn't make sense for him to pay $500/mo in rent.
Dad: And are the two of you having sex?
Me: No. We're not.
Dad: I'm not an idiot. I don't approve and I'm disappointed in your choice. You know what I think about that.
Me: I said we're not but if you don't want to believe me and that's what you want to think, go for it.

Fast forward to a year later, a week before our wedding day:
Mom: Maybe it's time we had a talk about sex.
Me: Dad accused us a year ago, what's there to talk about?
Mom: Well, if you have any questions or there's anything you'd like me to explain.
Me: No thanks.

Seriously, a year ago, you're accusing us of getting it on. And now a week before the wedding you want to explain it to me? Maybe I should take the time to fill you all in on the fact that Joe and I did get married young. I was 20. The freaks my mother hired to deal with the kitchen at my reception refused to pour me wine cooler kinda stuff for the toast because I was underage and alcohol is from the devil. Also, because my mother was/is such an intolerable human being I lived with my grandmother the summer before the wedding - and had been on birth control for 2 months at that point.

And while Joe and I weren't the innocent young things, we were both technically still virgins on our wedding night. And actually beyond - because we didn't get to our hotel the night of our wedding until 5am the next morning.

Anyways, really, my mother, who had always made it a point to tell me the evils of sex and terrify me about it to the point that I *still* have some issues to this day, really wanted to sit down a week before my wedding to tell me about the birds and the bees. This after my father accused me of being active a year before.

And why, you may ask, did he question me about our co-habitation and nookie? I wasn't sure. In fact, the conversation floored me. Until I returned to my room that evening... And noticed a pair of Joe's underwear peeking out from under the corner of my bed. I'm sure it's the first - and only - thing my father noticed when he entered my room. And it stayed on his mind through lunch, through the afternoon at the aquarium, and until he could corner me alone.

I don't know if I have a point. But Sassy Britches tweeted about having "a" sex talk with her mother (vs "THE" sex talk) last week and it reminded me of my own sex talk. And I felt like sharing. Aren't you glad?

P.S. Reading this back now, I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking when I wrote it last night. I fixed a couple of obvious mistakes but I might as well leave it as is. You'll all still love me, right?


mo.stoneskin said...

Very glad, though I hate the thought of an elephant pooing on my carpet thankyou very much.

Can't believe you missed Joe's underwear when you were cleaning!

angi_b72 said...

lol great story!!

Accidentally Me said...

I actually think this is sorta a "Man, I bet that was awkward!" kinda way:-)

I have gone through this now from the other side (with my little "Ward of the state":-)) and can tell you that it is sort of horrifying. Thank God they had sex ed at school to cover most of it!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

No, I don't love you.

I have a feeling Joe could totally kick my ass.

So, I merely like you. A lot. But, professionally.

Why is Joe cracking his knuckles?

Anyway, between you and SassyBritches, I feel totally justified in telling the tale of my sex talk. I've been mulling it over for a while now. Thank you for granting me the courage.

Intense Guy said...

Hey! Great timing! Come over to my blog and see what I did for my Elephant!

Ugh. Your parents sound like they missed (and needed) Sex Ed in school.

Snarky A. said...

Wow... interesting story. Seems your parents did things a bit out of order, yes?

I'm sorry your mom messed you up about sex. I am always blown away when I hear the "evil sex" spiel. But maybe that is because I grew up in Sweden and it is a whole other deal there. Sex is a natural part of life, and all that. :)

blognut said...

I'm so confused! You were living together, but you 'weren't'?

OMG! If that's the case, I admire your self control!

And I'm with Mo, I hate it when elephants poo on my carpet. Hate it.

blognut said...

Oh - and of course, I still love you.

Tori_z said...

Thanks for that. LOL!

I missed out on the talk with my parents on this subject... My brother beat them to it. The only part they played in the discussion was to tell me he wasn't lying when I asked them if he was telling the truth or not.

Call Me Cate said...

Mo - I have to think Joe left his underwear there on purpose. Just to give my dad an ulcer.

Angie - Not so great when I was living it! :)

Accidentally Me - I'm sure my parents were glad for sex ed even though they weren't too keen on having it taught at school.

mjenks - Joe's too busy to crack his knuckles at you. But I can't wait to read about your talk!

Intense Guy - I'm intrigued. I'll come check out the elephant. My parents missed a lot of things.

Snarky - "Out of order" is one way of putting it. The European approach to so many things is almost completely opposite of how I was raised. My parents seemed to think outlawing everything was the way to go - which just made it all that much more appealing!

blognut - We were even sleeping in the same bed! But "weren't". Bet you never pegged me for the sort with any self control, huh?

Tori - At least they confirmed the truth for you!

SF said...

I'm not sure which is worse, having your DAD confront you about sex or finding naked pictures of your mom, like I did. Welcome to the birds and the bees honey! pffft

SF said...

P.S. I can't believe you slept in the same bed and didn't do the nasty, I'm impressed!

{Katie Lane} said...

I lived with my husband sex free before marriage. No one ever belives me, even without the undies as 'evidence'.

S~DLT said...

Funny story! Parents can be (understandably so) funny about sex. BF and I have been together 10 years (not married) and my parents still won't let us sleep in the same room at their house. Great fun!

C. Beth said...

Wow, I am so impressed (along with others) that you could sleep in the same bed and not just, you know, accidentally do it one day.

I was actually a virgin on my wedding night too...but judging from how hard it was to wait, I think sleeping in the same bed for months maybe would have been a bad idea for us. :)

andy said...

i am totally closing in on you:

you are 31/32 years old.

you live in the states 'cause you were underage at your wedding and you don't "talk" like you are British. Or from Quebec.

and you are definitely south east of alberta because you always go to bed before i do.

this is fun.


p.s. i feel like a whore after reading this post.

p.p.s. you are so very lucky to have found joe.

p.p.p.s. i will always love you. or whitney houston...sometimes i get confused.

Call Me Cate said...

SF - naked pictures of your mom? Ewww... And we didn't do THE nasty. But I didn't say we were playing chess.

Katie Lane - I believe you!

S~DLT - I figure in their house, it's their rules. The summer before the wedding when I lived with my grandmother, Joe and I slept in the same room - but with him on a cot.

C Beth - It wasn't because we didn't want to, it was because I was too terrified of getting pregnant.

Andy - I'm 47 and I live in Guam so you're not even close. ;) And I'm *way* more lovable than Whitney Houston.

Juliet Colors said...

Wow. That is a great story. Sounds painful, though, and I think it's really brave of you to share. Your parents approach to sex and other "vices" sounds like a nasty mix of Alex's Christian fundamentalist upbringing and my Catholic upbringing. I also have a lot of hang-ups regarding sex as a result, but I don't know if I'll ever be brave enough to write about it.

Alex and I married when I was 22, just after graduation. We might have gotten married earlier, but we didn't go to the same college. He actually drove 3.5 hours to visit me every weekend and stayed with me in my dorm, a fact I never tried to hide from my parents. I hoped they would trust my judgement and I was really hurt by their adamant disapproval. They were convinced I would end up pregnant within a few months. Obviously I didn't. And I'm still not, nearly nine years later. So I guess the laughs on them.

Hit 40 said...

Wow! Your parents must compare notes with my parents. They were so excited to kick us all out. Mom would get bitchy if we stopped back to do a load of laundry. I got a RA job to live there free and I did get free food too!

Mom was nice a short spell when I had babies. Then, she turned again as my kids aged. I think retirement/ stock crash was hard on them.

Oh... I could go on and on. My younger sister is good.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

It certainly DID poo on their carpet, didn't it? It does make for a fabulous story, though. Glad you didn't unpost it.

I would have died if my dad asked me that - and nearly melted of humiliation when my mom once snapped, "I know how boys are!" when I told her I wasn't having sex with my bf (now husband). She didn't believe me, either.. but then, I was lying. :)

p.s. I was almost 20 and married in '98. Weird, huh? Or maybe it's just me that's weird...

Ribbon said...

Hi... that was a fun read.

I'm reading a book that you might enjoy "They F*** You Up/How to survive family life" - by Oliver James

thanks for the laugh

best wishes Ribbon

Comedy Goddess said...

It's been suggested that I should tell my daughter about where babies come from. She's almost 8. The theory is that older kids will tell younger kids all kinds of weirdness about it so it's better to tell them yourself. Sigh.

MarjnHomer said...

lol the closest me and my mom got to discussin the birds n bees was after i got married and she said not to use protection when we do it. lol (she prob was hopin for grandkids right away)

human being said...

after reading this, i felt i love you even more...

when people are truthful, the world seems more beautiful..


Sassy Britches said...

Yeah, ew. I think I would be averse to that situation if my mother tried to have THE sex talk with me right before my wedding. I'm glad we adopted you. I know you've already had "the" talk, but feel free to join in on "a" talk now and again! :)

soulbrush said...

roflol, what a hilarious post, i won't describe my conversation with my mom nearly 40 years ago before I got married...tee heee...thanks this is such a great post.

Call Me Cate said...

Juliet - isn't it great when they keep "warning" you you'll get pregnant and now they're like "are you EVER gonna have kids?". Butt out, people! I was definitely raised in a VERY conservative Christian home and that plays in for sure. Alex driving like crazy to see you reminds me of us. Joe was a year ahead and put so many miles on his car coming to see me. And of course this was before free long distance calls as well. Ouch!

Hit 40 - What's interesting with my folks is that I'm the oldest and while I got the boot at 18, my brother and sister were both allowed to live on after graduation with no issues.

RAS - I think my parents liked Joe more than me in a lot of ways. Except for him being an evil Catholic. I think we're about the same age, you and I.

Ribbon - I'm going to look into that book. The title definitely seems applicable.

Comedy Goddess - At 8, that seems so young and yet I bet she already knows a lot. I think I'd want to have a talk with her just so she would have mom's perspective on it.

MarjnHomer - That's too funny about your mom wanting grandchildren. Now that my sister had a baby, they've backed off me a bit.

human being - This post was definitely unfiltered. Sometimes I edit and take it easy with my posting. And sometimes I "puke up a post" and there it is. And if I trust enough to let those go, they are the most honest and get the best responses. It's still a bit scary though.

Sassy Britches - I'd definitely rather have "a" sex talk with your crew. Much less awkward I imagine.

soulbrush - I wonder how different your talk may have been 40 years ago. I mean, the mechanics are all the same but it seems like a more innocent time. Or at least that's what "they" always want us to think!

Paige said...

That's so classic. And yes, I still love you.

I can't even remember my official "sex talk."

Strangely enough, I think I learned about it first from my girl sixth grade...on a school camp-out. Bunk beds and lots of giggling were definitely involved.

Megan said...

Yeah, that's a bit awkward. Eek.

My sister pretty much spelled it out for my dad, so I'm sure my dad knows that we weren't so innocent when we got married. BUT then come to find out that when my sister was "spelling it out" for my dad about me, her and her bf were "doing the nasty" and they have PROOF of it cuz *she* got pg! Ha! Jokes on her! :0P

Vevay Anderson said...

I never actually got a sex talk from my parents. An older girl in school told me everything... and then some lol!

Lora said...

my dad sat me down at an applebees probably right at the same time your dad asked you this. I was about 19, engaged, and doing the dorm room cohabitation w/ the intent to move in together that sept.

He asked me if I was having sex, and I said "if I say no you will accuse me of lying. if I say yes you will accuse me of being a terrible person."

My mom just assumed I was and hoped I was careful (but from the time I was 14, so it wasn't as nice and relaxed as it sounds)

i will never treat jake with the same attitudes about sex that I grew up with.

kristi said...

How did ya'll manange to hold off?? LOL!