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Friday, April 10, 2009

Tonya, Day 3287

Dear Tonya,

This week, you turned 108 months old. That's nine years or the equivalent of 53 "human years" according to your doctor.

In the past year, you haven't made much progress with some of your more challenging personality traits. There's still a lot of room for improvement in how you treat your adopted brother, Rusty. I know you lived here first and think he's just a scruffy little nerf-herder so I would never go so far as expecting you to share your toys or food but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to not hiss at him every time he enters a room.

You also haven't managed to improve your reputation with the vet. I still hear the disappointment in their voices when they ask "which kitty needs the appointment" and I have to tell them it's you. Yes, your chart still contains the "caution" sticker on the front. And it probably always will.

One area where you have shown some improvement is in your puking. You've only done this three times in the last month. Once was spinach which was quite pleasant to find just before bedtime. Another time, Joe locked you in our room because you hadn't been finishing your dinner rations. That night, you finished it, meowed once to make sure we were paying attention, and then proudly projectile vomited on the carpet.

It hasn't been all bad though. In your advanced years, you are finally mellowing out a bit. Perhaps it's some sort of feline alzheimer's but lately you've been allowing me to sit on the sofa with you. On some evenings, you even let me scratch under your chin. More often than not, this has been positively received and you reciprocate with a nice purr. Or a death rattle - I haven't figured that out yet.

I still remember the day you entered my life. An adorable little ball of fluff. So innocent, so helpless, so manipulative. If I had known then what I know now, I would've left you on the doorstep of the nearest SPCA enjoyed the early years more before Satan possessed your soul adopted your brother as well. But, alas, I didn't and so he was creamed by a van. I'm pretty certain it was a mob hit but either way, your brother is still quite dead. I mean, those are the facts and there's no good sugar-coating them.

I hope this next year brings you some of the things you desire - long naps, regular meals, and an occasional treat. As for the banishment of Rusty and unlimited tuna, my wish is that you learn to understand that you can't always get what you want and you must find a way to make peace with it.

<3,
Long-haired human

17 comments:

Beth said...

Sounds like Tonya is a lucky cat to have people like you guys to take care of her.

You are funny! Great perspective.

Hit 40 said...

My cat, Baggins, likes to puke. He is anorexic and bulimic.

blognut said...

I'm liking this Tonya more and more. If I were a cat, I'm pretty sure I'd be just like her.

Sassy Britches said...

Ahhhh, Tonya. You can't live with her; you can't live without her. :)

Kara said...

Happy Birthday to Tonya!

mo.stoneskin said...

No mention of the guest bed?

Donnetta said...

Tonya, be watching the mail. Today, I'm going to Hallmark to find an "I'm sorry your brother is dead" card.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

You forgot to mention how she's been so nice as to keep you warm at night! I'm sure that's all for you.

Grand Pooba said...

Ha! The long haired human, you know that is exactly how cats think of us. That human who feeds me. I love how you wrote this letter to your cat like mom's write letters to their kids!

At least your cat doesn't bring his poop upstairs and bat it around the kitchen!

Snarky A. said...

Happy Birthday Tonya!

Call Me Cate said...

Beth - She IS a lucky girl. And spoiled rotten.

Hit 40 - Eating disorders are difficult to deal with. I hope Baggins is able to find help soon.

blognut - There are two kinds of people in the world - those that barf spinach and those that barf rainbows. So you're saying you're more of a Tonya than a Rusty.

Sassy Britches - I could live without her hairballs though!

Kara - but did you get her a gift?

Mo - I also realized that I failed to mention her recent love of blogging. So much failure.

Donnetta - I should've made her a card for sure. We always joke around here about things being "all dead like your brother". Maybe we're weird.

RAS - Another thing I forgot. Man, I'm not very good at this blogging thing.

Pooba - THANK YOU!!! FINALLY someone got it. I was feeling like such a loser. As a not-mommy blogger (who loves a lot of mommy bloggers out there), that was exactly my intent. You win the prize! (umm, lemme come up with something)

Yaya said...

Oh my kitty is the same way. Always such a grump, puking everywhere. The vet is terrified of her and he's a 300 pound man.

Juliet Colors said...

HAHAHA! You know you've made progress when your cat allows you co-use of the sofa.

Happy Birthday, Tonya! Your cat-mommy is so lucky to have you.

Grand Pooba said...

Woo hoo! I win I win!

Megan said...

Tonya sounds a bit like Milo, but I think Milo is probably a bit calmer. But he does tend to puke more than I would prefer...and why does it always have to be on the carpet? Dang cats. :0P

Tori_z said...

Do you expect her to take any notice? Because every cat I've ever met would ignore your requests and just do as they please. LOL!

Nice try though! :)

Call Me Cate said...

Yaya - I will say that both the vets where we go have been fantastic with her. I think it's the other staff that's terrified. They told me to come pick her up once because "it's like she's possessed".

Juliet - For years, if I sat on the sofa with her, she'd move to the chair. Or another state. This is truly progress!

Pooba - Since Beth didn't want her prize for being 100th follower, I still have all the cat hair you can eat available!

Megan - Victory in our house is catching a cat in the process of puking and moving them to a non-carpeted surface. Our lives are sad.

Tori - It's been 9 years of pleading with her while she bats her tail and laughs at me. I expect her to notice - and do the opposite.