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Friday, May 29, 2009

But can he fold my laundry?

Today, I call out for your help. After realizing how right you all were about the xanax, I now know what a valuable resource I have in my bloggy buddies.

First, I do sorta apologize. I try to at least alternate topics around here but I know the last few have been related to the upcoming trip. I apologize for lack of diversity but:
  • A. It's my blog
  • 2. It's probably not going to change any time soon
  • iii. It's my blog!
So, sorry, and yet, not really.

On to the call for help.

Clueless Aunt Cate doesn't want to appear completely clueless. I'm looking for a bit of schoolin' on two relevant (to me) topics:
  • The behavior of women two months pregnant
  • Fourteen-month old humans
What do they do? What do they eat? Can they talk? (That's about the baby, not the pregnant woman). Is he able to fetch me a drink? I'd keep the drink requests simple so he doesn't have to do much mixing. I know he walks, recognizes (and hates) "no", isn't potty-trained, and hates being at all restrained. He also tries to wave but it comes out very "heil Hitler!".

As for the pregnant woman, is that the barfing/napping/peeing stage? (Juliet, I've been following your blog as a study guide). Are there certain things she can't eat? Like, I'm not going to spike her drink with alcohol or xanax anymore but I just have no idea.

Yes, I realize I'm asking you to generalize, which I generally hate (HA! See what I did there?). Every child and every pregnant lady is different. But, overall, I'd appreciate some input!

Help me not to give myself away as the ignorant soul I truly am.

26 comments:

Sass said...

All in all, I'd say 14 month old babies and 2 month pregnant women are very similar.

They both pee a lot, cry a lot, and seem to eat frequently, but never actually digest any real food.

Honestly, though, yes. That'd be the first trimester, so that's generally the worst morning sickness phase. Generally. ;)

As far as mixing drinks, I wouldn't trust a 14 month old with that. They aren't great with proportions, so your gin and tonic may end up waaaay too much....tonic. ;)

TMC said...

You'll make the preggos very, very happy if you spend all your time distracting the kids. The babies won't fetch you a drink or fold your laundry but playing with them will provide you with a pretty good excuse for ignoring the rest of the family. It's win-win-win!

p.s. *don't go!*

C. Beth said...

If the 14 month old is "talking," it'll just be a few words. Which may be real words and may be just Mommy and Daddy's desperate attempt to interpret meaningless grunts. If he's not saying much, Mommy is probably worried. (Trust me on this one.)

In addition to all the above info about 2 month pregnant women, I'd add she may be veeeery emotional. The best reaction to this is to smile and say, "Aww, you're growing a baby, why don't you pamper yourself by taking a warm bath and going to bed early?" This has the dual effect of making her feel pampered (which for some reason we feel we deserve while pregnant) and, more importantly, getting her out of your hair without totally pissing her off. You do not want to piss her off.

Lora said...

both suck.

andy said...

i agree with lora.

i wanted to puke with any stimuli @ all.

and whatever you do, DO NOT start a game of "peek-a-boo".

You're welcome.

Gail said...

Bring ear plugs. You'll need them. Trust me.

Jade Bordeaux said...

Wow, I agree with the comment above. I hate to say this...it is YOUR blog and I dont want to offend, but I can't help it. From the sounds of things...you will need earplugs...trust her...and Xanax, I dont know if you were knocking it or praising it, but you'll probably need either xanax,klonopin or valium...whatever you can get your hands on. Ohhh, alchohal does NOT mix however,for you...the child or the pregnant woman.lol
SOme women puke, but not all. They all pee alot, and throw temper tantrums. Some more than others, but if the child doesnt like to be "restrained" I am guessing that he throws them enough to be good at them, and mom will probably have enough apologizong and rationlizing with his temper tantrums to throw her own, so you are probably safe with her.
Wow, I sound mean. I love kids....really.2 good tips:Pregnant women cant eat sushi, and At 14 months....you have no pride.

Call Me Cate said...

Sass - Fantastic. Guess I wasn't as clueless as I thought. And I'm sure you're right about the drink. I'd hate for the proportions to be so skewed.

TMC - I'll keep "kid entertainment" in mind as a diversion tactic. They like to play in traffic at that age, right? (Please let me go on record that I'm KIDDING and would never purposefully put a child in danger). And yeah, don't go...

C. Beth - I guess I can't expect him to discuss advanced physics if he can't form words yet. I think I'll pack sister some nice bubble bath. Great idea!

Lora - I can't wait!

Andy - No peek-a-boo. Got it. What about hide and seek? I'll be the one hiding.

Gail - Ear plugs are on the list!

Jade - No worries about offending. I joke, everyone jokes, and yet I truly don't know what to expect so I appreciate it when people tell it like it is. I have nothing but praise for the xanax but will be careful to not take with alcohol. I don't expect there to be much drinking when half the family is strongly opposed. Since my family are hicks, they won't eat sushi anyways and I don't think you sound mean at all. Thank you so much for sharing.

Grand Pooba said...

The only 2 people I probably know nothing about.

I suck at advise.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

They talk some, they eat anything they can get into their mouths, and the drink fetching is pretty limited (I'm just now getting the four-year-old whipped into shape).

As for the preggers lady, yeah, that's the time during my wife's first pregnancy that anything caused her to throw up. ESPECIALLY the smell of sea food, not that you'd use that as a weapon or anything...

Juliet Colors said...

I don't feel like much of an expert on pregnancy, having only survived a few weeks of it so far, but I can reiterate what everyone else is saying about the first trimester being all about the barfing (or feeling like barfing), napping, peeing constantly, and excess emotions. From what I understand, the barfing part should go away eventually, but the other things just get worse.

Sorry! At least you've got your Xanax!

Oh, and as everyone else has pointed out, 14-month-olds aren't useful for much of anything. But their parents often think they are brilliant, so it's best just to go along with that.

Isabella said...

To add to the other comments -

For the 14 month old:
Have random fun objects on hand to keep him entertained/distracted (esp. with not liking the word "no," the distraction tactics will work to your benefit). Nothing fancy - Peanut likes anything that makes a fun noise (cardboard boxes, tupperware, metal mixing bowls and a wooden spoon).

For the pregnant woman:
Here is a link of foods she cannot have - http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pregnancy-nutrition/pr00109

There may be others that even just the smell may make her nauseous, so ask her what those are and let her know if you plan on cooking them (that way she can go outside for some fresh air).

My first trimester was tough. The only foods that seemed appetizing were grilled cheese, peanut butter sandwiches, and salted tomato slices.

Good luck! :)

Debbi said...

grr on pregnant people. They're tough.

On the kid, though. Easy. They probably nap 2x a day. So that's a nice 'break'. If you CAN, keep him up all morning, have lunch, and then you've got almost 3 hours of uninterupted naptime! YAY. He will eat ANYTHING you give him or he finds...garbage, cat poop, pennies...etc. He is walking, likely untalking, and not potty trained. He likes cars. And noise. And buttons to push/lights. Show him the alarm button on your keychain for the car and he'll be set for hours.

Intense Guy said...

I read this in order to learn - I know nothing about either "type" of human being.

The advise about say "oh dear, go take a hot bath and go to bed early" sounds really good... You might even want to do that yourself!

mo.stoneskin said...

Well my one proper experience of a pregnant one led to many sleepless nights for me because she was constantly getting up to wee, drink water, wee, stomp around. So I reckon if you lock her door and imprison her in her room you should just be left with the baby to wake you up.

SisterFriend said...

No assvice about the kid but the pregnant lady will probably be tired. Don't get roped into babysitting 24/7 while she sits on the couch! But then on the other hand, if the kid is starting to talk you can probably teach him to say "damn it" or "shit", which would be fun! Be sure you practice your wide eyed innocent look.

SisterFriend said...

Hey, what about some bubbles? He'd probably be fascinated by that.

Jenna said...

Good luck on the pregnant sis - definitely pack some "calming" lotion or something for her!

I have a 14 month old nephew who is sooo easy to take care of - like Isabella said, "Have random fun objects on hand to keep him entertained/distracted" - really anything will work. You could use a toy, wooden spoon, a rock, whatever = happy as a clam. (Just make sure it's nothing too small - a choking hazard does not tend to lead to a good time had by all...)

blognut said...

I say that you should teach the baby a song. A really annoying one that he can take home and torture your sister with for weeks to come. But don't do it until the last day you're with him.

As for the pregnant lady, she'll tire easily, so if she irritates you at all, suggest the two of you go on a nice long walk. You'll virtually guarantee that she will need a lengthy nap to recover from it, and that'll give you a break from all of the whining she will be doing. If that doesn't work, make some hardboiled eggs or egg salad, that'll nauseate her completely.

Call Me Cate said...

Grand Pooba - Then I'm in good company!

mjenks - Four years before they can fetch drinks?!?! Wow, that's just way too long. Great, seafood induces barf. And we're spending the week at the ocean.

Juliet - I'm sure the nephew is the most brilliant child IN THE WORLD! And the CUTEST! Should I assume if I buy a box of Saltines and a 2l of club soda, she'll be set for the week?

Isabella - I'm hoping just being in unfamiliar surroundings will help keep the kid amused. Everything will be new. Thanks for the link to foods. The only thing I see right off that might be an issue is deli meats (I planned to have them around for lunches) but she can eat something else. I could go for a grilled cheese myself right now.

Debbi - I forgot about naps! Oooh, I'm a big fan of naps. Maybe we can stagger it so sister, kid, and me all take our naps at different times! Ultimate avoidance. Joe's Prius beeps when it backs-up - maybe we can just let the kid reverse it around the driveway all week.

Intense Guy - Thank you for looking out for my well-being. Yes, a bath. Delightful.

Mo - So we'll contain the pregnant lady down in the dungeon. And maybe lock the kid out on the porch? It could work.

SisterFriend - Brilliant advice. More alarming than swear words would be if Mike teaches him some Chinese words. That will totally freak them out. I do like the idea of bubbles. Hell, I sit on my porch now and blow bubbles. Apparently I have more in common with toddlers than I knew! Can I borrow Z and pass him off as mine?

Jenna - Noted. Don't choke the kid. I mean, don't let him play with things he can choke on.

blognut - I have this great song about animals I can teach him. And then maybe a lot of weird noises. I'm gonna be the best aunt EVER. No eggs, huh? Dad's specialty is deviled eggs and if she THINKS I'm going without because her booty got pregnant, she be WRONG!

The Wife O Riley said...

Alot of napping, peeing and crying on all parts. Put your running shoes on, because if he's anything like my nephew, he'll hit the ground running the moment he gets up. We nicknamed my nephew Visa, because he's everywhere you outa be.

Stock up on Xanax, soda crackers and ginger ale. And remember, your sister will mean nothing that she says.

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

What an hilarious post! You are such a good writer. I thought I was the only one clueless about the two listed here. [lol] I am female but have never been large with child. I tend to avoid both like the plague. Too much responsibility for the likes of me. :o) Good luck with the visit (better thee than me).

BTW, what does the "<3" symbol mean? It looks like a behind with a dunce hat.

Have a great weekend!
Sparky (the clueless one) <:o}

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

The 14-month old probably won't be able to repeat those fabulous words you'd so love to teach him ("Auntie Cate is better than Mommy" is probably too much right now). If you're looking for points with the toddler, keep some chocolate or pepsi handy - it worked for my sister and I don't think Monsoon will ever like me best again. :)

Be prepared to do all the heavy lifting of bags and kids for your sister - pregnancy is a perfect excuse to do nothing.

Take ear plugs for you and Joe, in case the child doesn't love sleeping as much as you. Seriously. Ear plugs. And lock your door.

silver star said...

I agree with SisterFriend on something she said, bubbles! My friend's son loved them at about that age.

Tori_z said...

I've not had much experience with women in that stage of pregnancy. But, that part is generally the puking stage. As for what she can eat... It depends on the person in question. Some pregnant women can eat or drink anything without any issues. Others can't even stand the smell of certain foods or drinks.

As for the 14 month old... They're generally very much in to EVERYTHING you leave low enough for them to reach. They can also often climb quite well. As for speach... That varies from child to child. I don't think he's quite up to the task of sorting your drinks though. Passing you a bottle that's on a nearby table... Hmmm... Maybe. But I wouldn't trust the kid to get the drink to you. It would probably end up on the floor.

Call Me Cate said...

Wife O Riley - I was going to take my running shoes so I could run far far away...

Sparky - Glad you enjoyed the post. <3 is a heart on the side. Or, as my husband thought for a long time, "less than three".

RAS - I'm totally going to bribe that kid. Lucky for me, her husband is going to be there and since he's the one that got her pregnant (I assume), HE can drag her stuff around. We bought our ear plugs yesterday.

silver star - Bubbles are on the packing list! I have them around for me and the cats anyways.

Tori - I'm a little terrified of the kid destroying things since the rental is in our name. Most of the places we've rented before seem to realize there will be kids around though so it should be ok. Now, if they end up at OUR house for any reason, I'm in trouble.