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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Babbles from a confused & overloaded mind

Warning: I have no real post today so I'm just going to babble and decompress what's in my head a bit.

I'm home.


It's blissfully quiet here. And clean. And organized. My mind seems to be slowing from the breakneck pace it kept all week.

I miss the hell out of my nephew though. His goofy smile. His smooshy face. His smooth cool baby skin. Oh, that giggle. Even the shrieks.

After holding it together all week (except for the part where I broke the baby), I returned home and promptly broke down. Sobs and sadness for missing Collin, strained relationships, choices people have made that make their lives so unnecessarily difficult. I wish I lived closer. I wish I lived further away. I want to visit more often but also not at all. I'm sad to think of what I've missed of Collin's last 14 months, miserable about what I'll miss before I see him again, grateful for what I experienced this week and yet wishing I hadn't seen him at all to put these thoughts in motion.

Other than a couple of comments asking about my plans for children, the week was rather non-confrontational. Still my mother is just LOUD. Collin's brand of loud is forgivable at fourteen months. My mother, at 55, is old enough to understand about an inside voice.

As always, I ended up feeling bad for my father. Sunday night, the guys tried to grill chicken on the charcoal grill from hell. Only, if it had been from hell it would've actually retained heat. It took forever and even then some of the pieces weren't cooked through. And Dad felt bad about it. And my mother went on and on about it in a way that made him feel worse. Yesterday, he wanted to eat at Waffle House on the way home. So after over an hour of driving, we reached Waffle House, everyone expressing their starvation on the way in, only to find it completely crammed. He decided to just go to McDonalds instead so they could get on the road. And Dad felt bad about it. And my mother went on and on about it in a way that made him feel worse. I could cite another twenty examples exactly like that. And when Dad feels bad, I feel bad. And when Mom makes him feel worse, I want to punch her in the face.

There was a lot of good in the trip. I plan to recount some of that in future posts. I've probably got a couple of not-so-good things I'll babble about as well. Hopefully in a more entertaining organized fashion.


SparkleFarkle said...

Let's check the fine print again. There's gotta be a hidden rule-bend somewhere which allows us to punch our mothers in the face from time to time. I'm all for it. You're a wonderful person, Show My Face, and so is your pop.

SparkleFarkle said...

P.S. Thanks for posting your blog notices on twitter. I don't always get to blogspot during the day, but when I know you're coming, I'm sure to bake a cake! Did that make sense? What I mean is, I enjoy reading your blogs. Thank you again!

andy said...

well, i for one found that completely organized.

and i suppose that @ least for the most part you weren't the focus of the complaining?

must find silver lining for ya;)


p.s. i wish i had a joe cooking me brekkie in bed...

The Wife O Riley said...

I always feel bad when someone else feels bad. It's even worse when someone harps on it like that. I'm glad your trip wasn't as bad as you expected, but I'm sorry you miss your nephew. Mine lives in Florida and I hardly ever see him. But soon, Colin will be able to talk on the phone and you get to be cool Aunt Cate.

blognut said...

I'm totally all right with you punching your mom in the face. Just go for it. It probably won't need to be done more than once.

Welcome Home! I missed you! ;)

kimber p said...

has anyone ever just called your mom out on her behaviour? It sounds as if she's been able to get away with treating your dad like shit for most of their life together and that's just how they've gotten used to relating to each other.
She might want to be careful though, he might just snap one day and it'd all be over but the sirens....

lailani said...

Welcome home! Prop your feet up and decompress :)

C. Beth said...

For a rambling post, it sure makes a lot of sense. With the difficult family dynamics, I think your mixed emotions are totally natural.

2cats said...

Is your mother hard of hearing? She could be and not realize that is why she talks so loud. Maybe you should ask her. She might get the point and lower her voice.
I always thought my Aunt harped on my Uncle. But one time when I asked him about it, he told me that that was just her way and it didn't mean a thing. They loved each other after all. They were married 65 years before he died in 2000.
How about a web cam for you to see episodes in your nephew's life?
Glad you are home and that you survived.

Meg said...

I think you have a very interesting blog.
Hopefully, in the next few days, all the tornadic activity swirling around in your head will calm down, and the bad memories of the trip will dissipate.

Debbi said...

aw, I'm sorry your mother was such a hag. I TOTALLY get what you're saying, and probably woulda supported you in the punching business.

But you're better than that, which is why I love ya.

Tori_z said...

I'm sorry the trip was such an emotional rollercoaster for you. But at least there were good points, and things weren't nearly as bad as you expected them to be... That's got to be a good thing, right? :)

Call Me Cate said...

SparkleFarkle - Sometimes she just needs a punch in the face. And especially if I don't post at my "usual" time, I try to twitter when it does go out.

Andy - Most often, I wasn't the one being criticized directly. I'll take what I can get!

Wife O Riley - I can't wait until Collin can yammer on the phone. We'll have awesome conversations about bugs and trucks!

blognut - Once would probably handle her. At least for awhile.

Kimber - I have actually called her on it before. It didn't go over well. In fact, it almost resulted in me cutting her from my life completely. Instead she was given some rules to follow. It's been rough but it's helped. I just wish my dad would stand up for himself.

lailani - Thanks, I did just that almost the entire day yesterday. It was necessary!

C. Beth - I keep my emotions in check a lot better than in the past. A lot of it has to do with setting more realistic expectations.

2cats - She's not hard of hearing as far as I know. She's just obnoxious. Interrupts, starts talking to the dog mid-conversation. We actually sent my dad a webcam for Christmas (sister has no internet at home) thinking maybe they'd use it a bit for the nephew but instead they're using it as a security cam in their garage. Bummer.

Meg - Thanks. I edited photos last night and that brought on some warm fuzzies. I'll write up the trip for my other blog (the more sanitized version) and that should help as well.

Debbi - I try to be better than that. I figure at least *I* can control myself even if she has no self-restraint.

Tori - Overall, it was a very good thing. I just wish we could filter out more of the other stuff.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

Baby-faces and giggles are so easy to get used to. They're exhausting, but more entertaining than most adults. Maybe when the new baby comes, you could offer to break him, I mean keep him for a few days. :)