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Monday, June 08, 2009

Math major I am not

No vacay post today. I wrote this before we left in case I was stumped/busy.

Here's something I bet you've never heard before - I'm not a fan of the dentist.

Actually, my dentist isn't so bad. It's the hygienist that cleans my teeth before I see him that makes me crazy.

At the tiny office I go to, there are two regular hygienists to choose from. Hygienist A is quiet, sweet, and rips my mouth apart so my head hurts for three days after the appointment. Hygienist B is the most gentle being on the planet but not only does she expect me to carry on a conversation, she's an emotional basketcase.

Once, she literally stood over me sobbing while cleaning my teeth because her ex-husband was in the hospital dying. I offered to reschedule but she insisted she was fine. No, no she wasn't. At my last cleaning, she actually stopped mid-cleaning to answer her cellphone and argue dinner options with her daughter. We then had a riveting discussion about Steel Magnolias. For real. That Dolly Parton has talent!

Another time, I had a "substitute hygienist" for whatever reason. She's all "I'm gonna go around and poke on your gums and call out numbers based on yadda yadda whatever". I'm thinking "am I supposed to remember them for you? WTH is that about? Will there be a quiz?"

When she finishes with all her "7, 5, 6, 7, 5, 6, 6, 7" crap, I gave her the total.
Weirdo: Huh?
me: I added them up for you.
Weirdo: Why?
me: Because I had no idea what you wanted me to do.
Weirdo: Nobody's ever done that before.

Like I was the one with the problem. I still have no idea what that was all about. Maybe it's weeks until my teeth fall out. Or her checking account number. Whatever.

Maybe next time I have an appointment there I'll take my iPod.


Debbi said...

um, weird. What the heck is with the numbers thing?

SparkleFarkle said...

That numbers thing was the hyena-ist measuring the depth of the "pockets" along side your teeth. It's a scare (but fair) tactic to get you to floss. As long as she didn't don scuba diving equiptment to get the figures, you're likely to be in the clear. Next time, after she spouts out a stringer of numbers, shout out through the cotton balls: "BINGO!" and ask where you can collect your prize (probably in that Dentist's Treasure Chest in the corner, that of which the little kids get to dip into after good check-ups).

C. Beth said...

Ha!! I'm pretty sure that if a hygeinist gets tears and snot on you it's violating some sort of health department ordinance.

Intense Guy said...

My dental hygenist is sooooo cute I always eat a half a bag of Oreos just before seeing her - sometimes it takes so long to do the cleaning I never get to see the dentist.

Snarky A. said...

Always bring your iPod to the hygienist, Cate!

Glad I'm not the only one with a messed up hygienist.

I usually plug in those huge headphones into my iPod when I go to the hygienist. They are real eyesores, and there is no way she will "not notice" that I am listening to music & talk anyway.

silver star said...

Is anyone fond of the dentist? Ever since I had a tooth grow in crooked (the baby one didn't fall out quick enough) it always seems to be a bad experience. The cleaning before last was as painful as the time I had 6 of my cavities filled at the same time! Is there any decent ones out there?

andy said...

the dentist FREAKS. ME. OUT.

thinking about the hygenist is the last thing on my mind when i can barely make it through the front door of the dental office without having a massive anxiety attack;)

i had an asshole of a dentist when i was a kid. he actually told me to shut up once.

and adding up the numbers was hilarious. i would have been sitting there the whole time worrying about what she wanted me to do with them too.


p.s. anyone who wants to poke around in people's pie holes for a career are fucked up.

mo.stoneskin said...

I've read in the scriptures that Hell will essentially consist of the inflicted being worked on for eternity by a weeping hygienist using a cell phone.

Lora said...

I hate hygienists so much that I go to a dentist who hates them too! He does everything!

Lindy said...

I want Lora's dentist. Actually, I really like my dentist, now, the hygienist is a whole different story!

The Wife O Riley said...

I would never go to the dentist without the IPod for that reason alone. I always get the talker.

do you think you have it? said...

great blog! I actually love my dentist (he's so hot-- not kidding) but have the same problem as you have with number 2. do they really expect you to be able to chat?

Tori_z said...

LOL! Too funny!

Call Me Cate said...

Debbi - It would've been nice if she had explained. Or if I had listened maybe.

SparkleFarkle - I guess her tactic may have worked better if I had realized I was supposed to be terrified for my teeth instead of the crazy woman with the sharp object and math fetish.

C. Beth - Oooh, health code. I didn't think of that!

Intense Guy - I had a dentist I hated so much as a kid, I deliberately ate onions before my visit so I could breathe on him.

Snarky A - I may go with iPod next time.

silver star - I'm about to look into sedation dentists. Or start medicating myself and making Joe take me. It's only twice a year!

Andy - I bit my dentist when I was younger. I was tired of him hurting me. So chomp!

Mo - I do so believe you.

Lora - Wow, your dentist sounds pretty cool!

Lindy - I'm in the same boat. Great dentist, awful hygienist.

Wife O Riley - I'll have to get over my "rudeness" and go for the tunes next time

do you think you have it? - I need a hot dentist!!!

Tori - Hi there!

Megan said...

LOL Totally cracking up that you added the numbers up. Frickin've already been given the reason for the numbers so I'll just continue to giggle to myself. Totally picturing the conversation. heehee