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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Wounds

Want to know how to make your vacation feel like it lasts forever? Take the trip with your entire family.

Wednesday has come and gone with no injuries. No breaking of babies, no breaking of me. Early vacation wounds (sunburns) are healing. Bug bites are still itching. And the bumps and bruises from Tuesday night's Trip Down Clumsy Ass Lane are still quite uncomfortable but temporarily soothed by alcohol and the hot tub.

The old wounds though will likely never heal. The deep wounds to the heart. The inability to trust. The feeling of constantly playing defense against some verbal/mental attack. Sometimes, we almost feel like a normal family. A close family. Other times, I'm reminded exactly why we moved so far away from these people. It's been more about demeanor and attitude this week than actual words. Still, I'm over-sensitive and feel like it's all my fault. Every word feels like an accusation and the roller coaster of "yay" and "save me" is exhausting. Even though things have been mostly low-key, I can't help wondering if we're really going to survive the entire week without a confrontation of some sort.

I realize this isn't a brilliant post. I'm tired after not sleeping last night. Also, it hurts to type. So instead of brilliance, you just get a peek at what's been inside my mind. And then I hopefully drift off to dreamland.

16 comments:

C. Beth said...

The underlying stress--maybe sometimes more stressful than an all-out fight?

I'm sorry it's not more peaceful. :(

TMC said...

Just remember that while you can't control or change anyone else's behaviour, you do control your own, and your own reactions to other people's foolishness. You're doing fine. It's almost over. :)

andy said...

i sometimes have a hard time with my family, and the way things were growing up.

avoidance of family gatherings has been less stressful for me and the cluster i deal with right now.

not that there are family gatherings persee...we are a very small bunch, those of us who lived with one another. cloistered together for so many years...

sorry. flashback.

i don't know what to say, only that you should participate in other peoples lives as much as your comfort level allows. yes, they are our blood...but thicker than water? sometimes i beg to differ.

enjoy your last few days cate. do what YOU and joe want to do. have giggles and love time with your nephew, and give kindness to those who don't deserve it. because actions come full circle...and you will be being kind to #1.

and she's the best.

andy:)

The Wife O Riley said...

2 more days. That's all you have left.

Debbi said...

That's my family too. I sit there, falling into the role I had to be as a child and NOT being the "me" I am currently. because that's just what we do.

And inevitably, there's a clash when someone decides to leave their 'role'. Which ALWAYS starts from the same person, which ALWAYS upsets the same people, which ALWAYS makes the same people fix the issue... and then people have to return to their 'roles' in order to keep the equilibrium.

Keep going-- you're doing good so far! Almost done!
I second our dear friend, Andy. You're the best.

Betty said...

I can totally understand what you are writing about. Family´s can be so stressful!
But don´t feel alone. There are many of us who feel the same way. Hope your vacation turns to the better!

Snarky A. said...

Today's post reminds me of taking Hubby back home to Sweden to meet my parents. Hubs have heard me talk about my father, and all the bullshit that he has put me through in my life, but when we were there he was friendly, sucking up to Hubby, he cooked us dinner, and was on his funniest, most charming behavior. I felt like I was walking on a mine field all night. The inability to trust just saturates everything.
As we were driving home Hubby said: "That was not so bad"
I answered with "You do realized that was the first time in my entire life that my father cooked me dinner?".
Those old wounds are hard to get past. Just because I have chosen to forgive (impossible to forget), does not mean that this person will not return to old behaviors. So you are on guard.

Family is hard. Kudos to you for your bravery doing this trip!

human being said...

true
touching deeply
thought-provoking
beautifully said
though it is so sad...

this is poetry...

"The old wounds though will likely never heal. The deep wounds to the heart. The inability to trust. The feeling of constantly playing defense against some verbal/mental attack."


and i feel a kind of determination and strength behind these words... a healing power:
wounds might be healed if we try to do something about them...

then they evolve to scars... that strangely can beautify...

you are a strong soul!

mo.stoneskin said...

I always feel honoured when you share the deep feelings. Hope the rest of the week goes ok and the babies survive!

TM said...

You're a better person that me. I won't 1. Stay over night in a family member's house (we get a hotel room) and 2. vacation alone, just the two of us.

Grand Pooba said...

Doesn't sound like its quite a vacation. I think you need a vacation from your vacation!

Hang in there!

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

Sucks that this is your vacation and you can't truly enjoy it. Hiding isn't quite the dream beach trip.

Kay said...

Just try to enjoy the ups, and don't stress too much over the downs. Yeah, easier said than done.
Now I remember why I limit visits with my family to under 2 hours.
How brave you are, to take on a VACATION with them. You're going to need another one (alone) when you're done. Low key, just below the surface, long term stress is worse than a quick blow up. The more it builds, the harder it is.
Hoping you get through the rest of it without a huge confrontation.

2cats said...

Next year take a vacation to relax, meaning without your family.
Yes they are family but until they can repsect you for you keep them at arm's length and don't vacation together.
Just my two cents.

Tori_z said...

*Hugs*

Call Me Cate said...

You all have no idea how much you helped me survive this week. Rambling here, reading your comments. Thank you so much.