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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I have an STD (Update)

Yesterday, my doctor told me I have HPV which is an STD. Now, since Joe and I both profess to have been virgins when we were married and claim to have been faithful all these decades eons years, you might wonder how this happened. Likely, the STD was picked up in a hotel. And I'm the one at fault.

Nope, it's not quite what you're probably thinking. I've had a weird bump thingy under my toe for the past year or so. If I happen to smack it or step on something wrong, it's like needles shooting up through my body from my teensy toe into my teensy brain. Yeah, I realize a year is sorta a long time to not have something like that taken care of but I was a bit busy dealing with reflux and not sleeping and spazzing the hell out and crazy therapists, thankyouverymuch. (I'd link to some "spazzing out" but that's pretty much the whole blog - pick a post at random, it likely proves my point.)

Anyways, turns out the bump is a plantar's wart, caused by HPV. So I have an STD on my foot. Except my foot is a virgin as far as I know. Ew, that's gross now that I think about it. More likely I picked it up waltzing around barefoot in a hotel somewhere.

Of course since I'm such a complete freak of nature calm individual, I definitely didn't spend the entire hour leading up to my appointment imagining worst case scenarios while SomeMonkey tried to talk me down off the ledge. Then what's the first thing my awesome doctor (who looks like the next door neighbor from Empty Nest which is a show I never watched but for some reason I think that guy was a pedophile and now I think my doctor is a perv) says upon examining my toe?

"We're gonna have to amputate."

Haha doc, very funny. Only now since I'm associating him with the man-whore from that sitcom, I'm thinking maybe he somehow gave my foot an STD just for the job security.

While I'm busy pondering this, he's busy stabbing my toe and dumping "blistering agents" on it. Which he now expects me to do for the next two weeks at home. Yeah, I think Joe will be in charge of toe-doctoring while I close my eyes tight and swear at him. Because really, it's probably all his fault for taking me to a hotel frequented by skanky people with foot diseases.

And if blistering and chemically burning my toe off doesn't work, he said our next step is lasers. LASERS!!! Serious BOOYAH right there.

P.S. I should make it clear that my foot doesn't ACTUALLY have an STD. There are over 130 identified strains of HPV and only about 30 of those are sexually transmitted. This is not me having an STD that's manifesting in my foot. This is just me having a foot yucky, kinda like athlete's foot.

27 comments:

Princess Andy said...

your post isn't showing up in google reader yet, but because i'm so full of hee haw i decided to come over here and look for myself 'cause i'm all "cate hasn't posted yet?...what's up with that sh*t?".

i told you we were sitting beside each other on the bus to hell. you with your std foot and me with my syphilis? total match made in heaven.

joe and the boyfriend can sit behind us.

andy

lailani said...

lol! You are now an std statistic! Isnt HPV the same virus they advertise getting immunized for now? I think I am too old though for that . . .

kimber p said...

Cate, just because you have a cool STD on your toe does NOT make you better than the rest of us....
now how in the hell am I gonna top that?!?!!

sounds like you should have a serious talk with your feet and get them acquainted with their new friends called flip-flops :) hahahahaha!!

Sassy Britches said...

So there may be a LITERAL light at the end of the tunnel, then, huh? LASERS!!!!!!!!

Lora said...

one time I had HPV in my eye!

I reeled in horror when the eye doc told me that. I was all like "but I didn't.., but he doesn't..., but there was never..., in my eye!"

I also have an HPV on the heel of my hand.

We are some dirty bitches, you and I

a corgi said...

poor you! those are not fun to treat (plantar warts). you know, my son had a whole bunch of warts on the bottom of his feet and on his fingers, the doctor never said HPV to me, makes me wonder though......but my son was 15 at the time....maybe they didn't want to freak me out or something. Anyway, the liquid nitrogen treatment didn't do anything for his, we had to go for the big treatment of it through the dermatologist (not laser, just extra strength liquid nitrogen I guess you would call it) for the finger ones and a podiatrist treated the ones on the bottom of his feet but it took weeks to get them completely clear. Must have worked though because 5 years later they haven't recurred

just be persistent with the treatment and I do believe they will disappear in time

good luck!

betty

sherri said...

I don't know if I should continue frequenting a site whose blog host apparantly has a hoe toe, but, what the heck.

Come to think of it, I had a plantar's wart too years ago...I'm gonna' check on Big AL's whereabouts back then- cause I know my foot had never been in a strange place! No amputation needed. I used medical tape, and after about two weeks it was gone. Never to return! I put the tape on it each night after my bath. Then removed it before my bath. It would pull out the "seeds", and eventually it left completely. No lasers. Not creepy Doctor needed.

Strange Mamma said...

You can get an STD from walking around barefoot in a hotel?!?!?! This kinda puts that whole 'you can't get pregnant from sitting on the toilet' theory on shaky ground. I am so wearing a hazmat suit next holiday.

Moxie said...

I am currently being vaccinated for HPV. My mom embarrassed me in front of my favorite teacher once by telling her, "Moxie can't have sex til she gets her 3rd injection!!!"

Haha.

But anyway, I think you have a CTD, Carpet Transmitted Disease.

Or maybe your foot isn't a virgin. Who knows what kind of wild things it does while YOU are sleeping. :P

mzbehavin said...

I think this is quite possibly the best post you've written so far... ( okay, of the ones I've read.... I still have to take a day to go through the archives, and I will if God and my boss ever feel I should get a day off...)

This is, FUNNY, FUNNY, can't breathe through it stuff.......

and just think....

We have STD's and skanky, I'm assuming, Unwashed, hotel people to thank.....

:-)

SisterFriend said...

Isuzu Joe is your foot doctor? Cool. Sorry about the herp on your foot. You gotta watch where those toes go.

Jessica said...

This post was almost perfect. But where was the armadillo at?

HPV of the foot? That is totally a first for me. And I have worked in a STD clinic before and had to watch people get their warts frozen off their no no parts. Better on the foot, I say.

Good luck getting rid of the little guy.

Just say Julie said...

I laughed so hard at this one. I can't stand being barefoot anywhere but my own home, for just that reason. I think the laser amputation may be pretty awesome...

Ronnica said...

I don't know, I think I'd find out what your foot has been doing when you weren't looking...

Lizze said...

Okay, so I'm thinking it's time for you and your toe to sit down and have a little heart-to-toe. You may want to throw "the Talk" in there, too, just for good measure. ;) lol

Tori_z said...

OK, ewwww!


If it were me I'd be concerned about what my foot had been up to. Perhaps... No, I don't think I'll go there!

The Rambler said...

Um..I, er, didn't realize you could get STDs elsewhere? I paranoidly feel like I gotta check my whole body. Holy whoa.

silver star said...

I knew herpes wasn't a sexual thing, I just didn't know an STD could fall in the same category as well. A speedy recovery for your slutty foot and yourself.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh come on, don't try to down play it. Your HPV is an STD and it's all do to you whoring out your little toe. Just like I whored out my cat in order to get little kittens 3 months (or so) later. My question is, what were you hoping for? 7 little baby toes?

I'm so confused.

2cats said...

I never knew that plantar warts were an STD.
My feet (yes both) must have really been naughty years ago. I had 27 plantar warts between the 2 feet.
I hope they had fun.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

Foot gross + Cate = funny. How do you do it? Oh, and mega EWWW on the foot sex - makes me think of the dirty men that used to rent foot fetish stuff when I worked at a video store... like Hubs' uncle. He's pretty gross. I've gone completely off track again, haven't I?

slacker-chick said...

So, obviously Joe is OK with your feet whoring around in skanky hotels? He's one cool dude. Good luck with the chemical burn stuff.

blognut said...

Lasers?! Yeah, baby! You gotta love lasers!

I get STD's on my lip - you know, cold sores. I'd rather have them on my toe, I think. At least they don't show and make the rest of the world wonder what you've been doing. :)

Tortuga said...

Haha, you sound like me when my ENT discovered a papilloma on my uvula. It was from a non sexually transmitted HPV but Hubby still gave me a hard time about it, jokingly of course.

Lindy said...

This is why I wear slippers in all hotel rooms. Not sure that helps much in the shower! Good luck with the lasers!

Shayla said...

now I know- ALWAYS wear flip flops at hotels!!!


that is so scary!!! I hope it heals up VERY soon!!!

Keep us updated!!!

and thank you for your comment on my 6WS> Unfortunatly, my man already left to his station today... six days wasn't enough :(

quilly said...

Many years ago I got a plantar's wart from buying the cutest almost-new pair of used boots ever. Now I know better and it was a darn painful lesson! I hope yours clears up soon!