Nope, it's not quite what you're probably thinking. I've had a weird bump thingy under my toe for the past year or so. If I happen to smack it or step on something wrong, it's like needles shooting up through my body from my teensy toe into my teensy brain. Yeah, I realize a year is sorta a long time to not have something like that taken care of but I was a bit busy dealing with reflux and not sleeping and spazzing the hell out and crazy therapists, thankyouverymuch. (I'd link to some "spazzing out" but that's pretty much the whole blog - pick a post at random, it likely proves my point.)
Anyways, turns out the bump is a plantar's wart, caused by HPV. So I have an STD on my foot. Except my foot is a virgin as far as I know. Ew, that's gross now that I think about it. More likely I picked it up waltzing around barefoot in a hotel somewhere.
Of course since I'm such a
"We're gonna have to amputate."
Haha doc, very funny. Only now since I'm associating him with the man-whore from that sitcom, I'm thinking maybe he somehow gave my foot an STD just for the job security.
While I'm busy pondering this, he's busy stabbing my toe and dumping "blistering agents" on it. Which he now expects me to do for the next two weeks at home. Yeah, I think Joe will be in charge of toe-doctoring while I close my eyes tight and swear at him. Because really, it's probably all his fault for taking me to a hotel frequented by skanky people with foot diseases.
And if blistering and chemically burning my toe off doesn't work, he said our next step is lasers. LASERS!!! Serious BOOYAH right there.
P.S. I should make it clear that my foot doesn't ACTUALLY have an STD. There are over 130 identified strains of HPV and only about 30 of those are sexually transmitted. This is not me having an STD that's manifesting in my foot. This is just me having a foot yucky, kinda like athlete's foot.