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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Punch Awards: Saving the Kitties

Today, I give some awards. It's this, or I get fired. And if I get fired, Tonya doesn't get her gourmet crunchies. And if Tonya is downgraded to common Whiskas, she'll eat our faces. Save my job, save my cats, save my face. The circle of life. Now, let's give out some punch awards!

Feel free to add your own nominees in the comments. I'm sure there's no shortage of deserving recipients.

Dear Co-worker,

You were one of the few co-workers I didn't have total disdain for. You were always professional and I appreciated that.

Until today, when I received an interoffice envelope from you. It was a promotional flyer for Curves. And here is how it made me feel:
  • Thank you for calling me a fatass. I'm well aware but I'm so glad you noticed.
  • So angry - Curves is one of about a dozen businesses I actively boycott. Happy to have that all brought to mind.
And that's all I have to say about that because I believe politics don't belong at work and I have so many things I would say if I let myself get started. Instead, I give you this award.

Stick to writing purchase orders,

Dear Jon Gosselin,

That dress the girls talked you into wearing during dress-up at the beginning of the season is the least of things you should be embarrassed by. Who knew it was possible to make the public root for Kate and her rooster-do?

I kinda think you both fail in various ways, as do we all except for me, but I choose to award you with this gifty for being such a supremely clueless buffoon.

You could always pawn those ridiculous earrings if you need cash,


Matty said...

Don't even get me started. I can give that award to too many people, who in the interest of protecting my own self, shall remain nameless.

mo.stoneskin said...

I find myself craving gourmet crunchies.

I also believe politics should be kept out of the workplace. That could be the reason I didn't get that job in parliament...

kyslp said...

I'm giving you a standing ovation in my living room! Love this.

Autumn said...

Love this, cant even start to comment on the Jon G. thing though, he makes my blood boil.

Dear Tuesday,
You didnt even give me a chance to start off on the right foot. From 6am this morning you have been determined to break me. I woke up to a mouse in my closet, a kid throwing up, another kid on her way to the bathroom to throw up and a high fever. Monday didnt give me any warning you were going to be so icky. Sure I knew I was coming down with something but I was ok with that because I thought I was going to spend today sleeping it off. It's one thing for all of us to get sick, it's quite another to send in the mice!! So I give you this award.

Dear Wednesday,
Cat delivery will be at 12:00 noon.

Drahdrah said...

Well said... I don't why some people feel the need to remind us that we may need to lose a few pounds. I think anyone who has gained weight, or struggles with weight KNOWS darn well they are not SKINNY !!!
As for Jon, I am praying for the kids.

2cats said...

Great time for the award.

Dear radio station/weatherperson,

Get a window!!
If you say it is sunny outside and I am driving in torrential rainfall the next time you say it is sunny I will not believe you know what that means. Sunny is when the sky is blue and the pavement is dry. Rainy is when the sky is gray and the pavement is wet. Get it together.

Today was travel day home from the city. I hate driving in the rain.

Sassy Britches said...

You said "gifty." I love you.

Also, I am feeling surprisingly charitable today, so I have no one to whom I can bestow a punch to the face. I forfeit mine to you for your use.

soulbrush said...

oh boy i can think of a dozen people at work right now that i would like to punch, never mind award!!

Kaylen said...

wow...someone had the nerve to give you a flyer to encourage you to work out?? Was it anonymously sent? That's just wrong. Unless they overheard you saying you were looking to work out...but even then, interoffice envelope seems like an unfriendly way to do this unasked for.
people just suck sometimes.