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Thursday, November 19, 2009


I debated not posting this. Because it seems kinda whiny. But know what? Welcome to my life.

Why is it so hard to relax?

It's been a rough week. For those of you not receiving my daily sleep updates on twitter, the brief summary is that I'm still not sleeping. It's been a year now since I started having problems sleeping through the night. My mental state continues to suffer and one day last week I actually fell asleep at my desk (not unusual at this point) and fell out of my chair (hoping that remains unusual). As in, kaboom, Cate on the floor.

I was excited a month ago to reinstate my gym membership, only to be thwarted by new levels of exhaustion and the time change. When I leave the office at 5pm, it's dark and it's all I can do drag myself home for the evening. This is furthering my lack of energy, low self-esteem and weight gain.

But that's not really so much what this post is about. This post is about the inability to take care of ourselves and just relax. Or is it just me? Surely it can't be just me.

I slept until about 8am, lounged in bed until around 9am or so, and had breakfast. Having slept well and fed my belly, I felt energized! I decided I should clean the house today! Maybe go to the gym later! Let's make a list of all the things I'm going to do!

And then I remembered I should be resting. Sleeping. So I'm trying but I feel like I should take advantage of that little bit of energy while I'm home to clean the house! Organize the closet! Return the guest room to a livable state! Oooh, also, I can write some blog posts! Work on the project for Joe! And this and that and ten other things!

What I need more than anything is rest and sleep. Why can't I let myself have that? Why can't I let things go?

I kinda feel like this post sounds like it's sponsored by Walrussians. I'm not looking for pats on the back or "poor Cates". I don't mean it to be all wah. I'm okay. I will be okay. I just need to remind myself that it's fine to completely chill for a day. Maybe even the whole weekend as well.


C. Beth said...

Sometimes when I take the time to remind myself of something in the form of a blog post, I actually do remember it, a little better. Hope that's the case here--because you're right, you need to rest. I hope you're able to. (Not at your desk chair though. Telling Workman's Comp that your injury is from falling out of your desk chair, might not go over so well.)

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I fell asleep at my desk once. It was in grad school, but I was working grad student hours. I was sitting at my desk while something was evaporating on one of the machines and I was leaning on my hand and my eyes drifted shut and the next thing I knew it was five minutes later.

Fortunately, I didn't fall on the floor.

Hopefully you will avoid such things in the future, too (although the five-minute power naps are highly underrated, in my opinion).

Princess Andy said...

i feel like i'm being bad when i relax.

what is up with that?!

i know it's hard, but yeah...sometimes you have to let stuff slide to take care o' you.

love love.


slacker-chick said...

Oh my God honey - if you ever need validation for doing nothing e-mail me immediately! My theory is that if God hadn't meant for us to relax he wouldn't have made bubble-bath...and wine!

Grand Pooba said...

Wallrussians?! Never heard that term before lol!

I can not live without sleep, I don't understand how you are still alive right now. I hope you can get back on a regular sleeping schedule soon. Well maybe not, then what would you tweet about?

Nessa said...

We are all very sick, sick people.

Thursday Thirteen - My Drive to Work

2cats said...

I think the the reason most of us can't relax is because we can't shut off our brains. We are constantly thinking. We have set such a high standard for ourselves that we constantly have to be doing something in order to achieve that standard. But, I also believe that the standard is so high we can never achieve it.
We are living in a wicked circle.

jabblog said...

My husband has two solutions for sleeplessness and the second is to listen to something on his iPod. I swear he'll strangle himself in the wires one night!

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

Bah, the point of having a blog is writing for yourself. It's helpful to get it out, no? Wah all you want, hon - we're still here.

Falling asleep at work sucks. It's like you need to sleep exactly when you can't, but as soon as you get a moment to rest, you want to do something productive. Sorry about the boom on the floor. Nobody saw, right?

studio lolo said...

lack of sleep is one of the worst feelings! I suffer from it too but not as bad as my husband does.
Did you know that not getting enough sleep raises our cortisol levels and adds to belly fat and type 2 diabetes?
I know, messenger of good news!

Give yourself permission to take care of yourself. We wouldn't want it any other way for our loved ones, so why not include yourself in the ones you love?

Just my 2 cents ;)

The Brown Recluse said...

I think it's ok to completely chill. Forever. :D Well, not that I do, but that would be my choice.
Is it OK if I grinned a little about you falling out of your chair? I mean, if that's not ok I won't admit to such a thing. ever.