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Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Annual Office Holiday Luncheon

HR Lady: Did you bring anything to donate to the food drive?
Coworker: Why would I? The whole idea is that you're supposed to feed me!

Coworker (referencing all of the green and red sparkly-barfy Christmas sweaters): Oh, you wore blue today. What are you, Jewish?
Me: No, I'm cold.
Me (in my head): What are you, a moron?
And a line I came up with that I'm just dying for an opportunity to use:
Me: Sorry I wasn't able to enjoy (the party, your speech, your company).
Whoever: Oh, I'm sorry you weren't able to be there.
Me: Oh, I was there. I just wasn't able to enjoy it. Because it sucked.
Hahahaha... Yeah, I'd never say that out loud. But wouldn't it be kinda funny? No? Okay, just me then.

In the end, I bah-humbugged the office luncheon yesterday because it's such a big production and I don't enjoy much of it except for the food, which my big booty doesn't need right now. HR actually assigns seating like we're five. They do this to split up departments so we're forced to socialize with other people. However, most departments are so large, they end up with a whole gang of them together anyways in every group. The end result is me sitting in the middle of a crowd of cops and/or firemen who are all buddies and I feel like a moron. Anyways, it's very uncomfy for me. And none of them are even hot.

Also, they give us name tags with our department on them. Nothing spoils lunch more than "Oh, you're in IT? I have this computer at home...". Guess what? I'm at LUNCH. I don't care about your computer at home. I don't even care about your computer at work. Furthermore, I'm the webmaster, not a computer tech, so I don't care about any of your computers anywhere EVER!!!

So instead of two hours of awkward conversation, waiting around for our table to be called so we can eat, all the while "enjoying" off-key employee performances and speeches by council members, I camped out in my office for some peace and quiet.

And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.


The Brown Recluse said...

Well, the IT webmaster thing explains why your blog is so cool! I love the line you hope to get to use. I may have to steal it and use it myself some day...heheh
We've had a lot of Christmas parties around here, and I show up, grab my food and sneak out. :D

Princess Andy said...

darn tootin' that's what christmas is all about.

peace on earth and good will to others.

well, most others.

some not so much.

because they're a$$holes.

<3 andrea

p.s. i totally would have done the same thing...i managed to miss my employee xmas lunch this year because of the whole vomiting thing. sometimes there *is* an upside to vomiting.

Autumn said...

Lol my favorite line is "Oh you dont have lights up? Are you skipping Christmas?" THREE different delivery drivers have asked me that THREE!!! I bought lights to go up outside the house, the first set didnt work and were promptly returned, the second set worked for a day then were also promptly returned the 3rd set works just find but is on my Christmas tree since THOSE lights went out as well. I'm not putting up any more &$@! lights just to take them back down again in a WEEK! Sheesh.

On a positive note did you know that hot chocolate has TWICE the antioxidants as a cup of green tea?! Bring on the chocolate!!! Lol (Oo and for a perfect mocha add the hot chocolate mix to hot coffee instead!!)

Mamie said...

RIGHT ON! Our office holiday luncheon was pretty stink-o this year, and the food wasn't even good. Painful entertainment, forced joviality and conviviality, etc. - UGH! I cannot WAIT until I move with the techies to their new, private (as in, very limited-access) building next month [I'm and educator administering a tech-intensive program]. Yay, Charlie Brown!

soulbrush said...

ROFLOL< hoiw i love reading your posts, they are hilarious, wouldn't it be great if we could all say what we actually mean, even just for one day, that would please me immensely. we had xmas lunch at school today, and i went and sat in my classroom, they were all getting on my nerves (nobody over the age of 25 on our staff-except me), all giggly and turning their noses at their gifts!!!!) bah humbug indeed!

Seansmoma said...

Oh my word, that sounds like a pitiful excuse for a "party." I would have hid too! I don't blame you at all. (And I loved your "enjoy the party." thing!)

jabblog said...

Oh dear - why are these things imposed on us when nobody seems to enjoy them?
Yes, it would be great to speak our minds but we have to co-exist even if we don't want to . . . ;-)

Margaret said...

I would have done the same thing if I were you!

blognut said...

We just had our holiday luncheon, too. (Heh. Imagine that! Everyone is doing it!)

Some moron ordered eggplant from the caterer Seriously. Eggplant.

Blognuts do not eat eggplant.

InspiredDreamer said...

So sad to hear you don't enjoy the holiday lunch! I have resigned myself to answering payroll questions wherever I go, but generally it's probably easier for me than you. My questions tend to lend themselves to "Yes, just fill out the form and send it to me" whereas your answers probably have to start with "Is it plugged in?" :D

Happy holidays anyway!

Megan said...

Haha! That line would be hilarious if you were to use it! LOL And yeah, that company lunch does sound very uncomfortable.