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Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I was able to speak to Tina (my sister) last night. She and the baby are doing fine. Baby is a girl, fairly average in weight and length. She's already going bald and giving into the influence of super-thin models by not wanting to eat a whole lot. Dainty already.

The doctors ran a hearing test and she's not responding well out of her left ear. My sister says she's doomed if the baby's already not listening to her. I suggested she probably inherited that trait from her daddy.

I'm not sure there isn't an emotion I didn't cover at one point yesterday. I was worried when I hadn't heard anything. Relieved and happy when I finally did hear. Angry that it took so long to hear. Lonely for my sister. Frustrated that my family is so screwed up. Sad that I'm not closer to my sister. Upset that I'm so undecided about my own future when it comes to family. Doubtful I could handle it. Resentful that while my friends are encouraging, the one person whose encouragement might make a difference doesn't seem to realize it.

When my sister had Collin, I didn't envy her the little boy. But there is something about that precious pink little girl that made me feel very empty. And unworthy. And depressed. And jealous. And confused.

I wish that range of emotions had skewed a bit more towards the positive side. I wish I knew more who I am and what I want. But I guess that's what this year is about.

P.S. Happier Cate is in here somewhere. She'll be posting tomorrow.


The Brown Recluse said...

There's probably never a perfect time to make the decision to have a baby. When they arrive...suddenly, they just fit right in. Little girls are special, aren't they? Little boys are too, I found that out seven years ago.
Hope the baby's hearing is fine...and I'm sure it will be.
PS: Empty, unworthy...NOT you. Depressed, jealous and confused can be dealt with...and you're doing fine.

Eternal Lizdom said...

I know I don't know you well... but I really wish I was near you so I could hug you, tightly, right now. And tell you, over a glass or 2 of wine or coffee, that all you have is now, this moment. Let go of the past, let go of worry about an unknown future. Just stay focused on what you have right here, right now.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

CambridgeLady said...

I'm sad you feel that way. There's never a perfect time to start a family ...... even if you take that step you'll still experience negative and confused emotions .... they'll just be for different reasons. I hope you soon find the clarity you seek and that whichever path you embark upon you'll feel positive about everything.

(PS to your sister - my daughter had a poor early hearing test but can now hear perfectly - apparently - it's just selective deafness she suffers from now!! I'm sure baby's ears will be fine)

mo.stoneskin said...

*Gets out diary*

*scribbles 'Happier Cate is here tomorrow.'*

C. Beth said...

I think your feelings are totally normal when your sister has a baby. I don't think I have any words of wisdom for you, but I definitely do think you're normal.

Margaret said...

I don't know that anyone is ever ready for a baby. I know when I had mine I wasn't ready at all.

You will figure it out one day.

2cats said...

You can fix depressed and all of the others. You are not unworthy. You will have a baby or not have a baby when You feel the time is right. Or you may get a surprise. Either way you will handle it well. You are stronger than you think.

Lora said...

baby girls make me feel that way too. always have, always will.

I never wanted kids, and I certainly don't want any more, but every time I see a baby girl I think "I used to be just like that. I could give her everything that I was never given, plus all the good things that I was"

or something.

I don't know what it is about those little pink bundles.

also, this post kept me up a good part of last night