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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Someday...

...I will learn not to engage.
...I will realize that you cannot logically reason with some people.
...I will give up that last shred of hope for her approval.
...I will tell the world what she did.
...I will really let it go enough that her words don't make me cry.
...I will find a way to overcome my initial reaction of disgust when I hear the word "mother".
...I will believe that just because my own mother doesn't love me doesn't make me unlovable.

...she will realize that her constant preaching has driven me away from church.
...she will learn that she can only rewrite history in her own mind.
...she will grasp her hypocrisy.
...she will face the fact that her narcissism has driven away those who should be closest.
...she will know that it's too late to fix it.
...she will understand that giving birth doesn't make someone a mother.
...she will regret it.

Someday.

Probably not today.

17 comments:

Jessica said...

I wish I could hug you right now, Cate. I am so sorry. It sucks to have a crappy mother. Mine doesn't sound as bad as yours, but believe me, I understand a lot of what you said in this post. Hugs to you. Don't let it get to you anymore. You deserve better than that.

Adoption of Jane said...

This makes me so sad and mad. I wish I could share my mum with you.

Cat said...

My mother is exactly like yours. A toxic narcissist. It's very difficult to stay sane in an insane environment. I understand where you are coming from.

Huge hugs. None of us deserve a parent or parents like this. It's not our fault.

Melinda said...

I am sending a big hug to you.

Caty said...

givng birth definitely does not make you a mother. I witness it too much. I'm so sorry this seems to be the case with you too!

Toriz said...

I hope that day comes soon! *Hugs*

The Brown Recluse said...

Cate...I'm really sorry. I wish things were different for you and your mother. I hope that one day you're able to forgive her...for YOUR sake. (Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to restore the relationship)
Also...I want to tell you there are churches where you can find lots of comfort and friends and peace. I always walk away from my church glad that I went because I feel better than I did when I arrived. There's such a place for you, too.
Most of all, I'd like you to know that I care...and Christ does, too. Salvation isn't in a church, anyway. It's in your personal relationship with Him, and...it's SO worth it.
Hang in there, Chicklet. A better day is coming.
~M

TechnoBabe said...

Unfortunately there are lots of people in the Someday Club. My heart hurts for you Today and for all the Somedays to come.

Ronnica said...

I've learned the same lesson about being able to reason with people, though thankfully, not in my relationship with my mother.

mo.stoneskin said...

If only today was a day of kittens and ice-cream, or kittens and beer, or whatever it was you tweeted about. Kittens and wine?

Sorry to read this little summary of pain.

Lauren said...

I would say I know how you feel, but even though my relationship with my mother can be trying and difficult, I'm not sure it's as bad as your relationship with your mother sounds. However, I can empathize with not being able to reason with some people no matter how hard you try. Sometimes, it will never be in their minds the way it is in yours. And that can be quite a tragedy. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I hope things get infinitely better for you. God bless.

Brenda Susan said...

Cate, so very sorry to hear such pain in your words about your life with your mother. I hope you have been able to find a few surrogate mom's to be in your life. In my circle I am "Mom" to lots of sweet young women who have a mom-shaped hole.

From reading you i bet you do have some great people around you. Otherwise you would not be such a funny & witty writer.

blognut said...

I'm sorry - I know that's painful stuff and it sucks. She may never get it, but that's not your problem; it's her problem.

Also - I think you might be my sister.

Jeanie said...

It's not your fault, never was your fault and will never be your fault. Sometimes we have to be who we are "in spite of" rather than "because of". Sadly, her "Someday" is up to her. Take care of yourself in all the best ways possible.

C. Beth said...

Oh, Cate, I just saw this. :(

It sucks that parent-child relationships aren't perfect. It sucks even more when they are painful. I'm so sorry.

voisey said...

i love you cate.

this was a beautifully written post.

it's sad when someone has "issues" that cause them to ultimately impose the personal effects of such onto loved ones around them.

<3 andrea

kristi said...

I ordered a book to help me deal with my Mother issues. I learned to set some boundaries and things are much smoother. (Hugs)