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Thursday, June 03, 2010

I feel what I feel

I'm tired of apologizing for it.

I'm tired of being ashamed that the way I'm feeling isn't correct.

I'm tired of not trusting my feelings because they aren't what a normal person would feel.

You see, my dad called yesterday at noon. He told me that my mother's appendix had burst and she had just come out of emergency surgery. They kept her overnight to monitor infection but the doctor seemed to think everything would be just fine. Once they feel they're in the clear from infection, she'll go home.

So what do I feel?

More than I would expect, less than I think I should. Less than you probably think I should.

But this is my mother. This mother. This one. Also, the one that I've barely touched upon here. Only a few reading this know about all that.

When he told me, I felt concerned for the lack of sleep my father had gotten over the previous 24 hours. I felt sad for me and the fact that our relationship rates so low that I was just now finding out, AFTER surgery. I felt relieved for me that I didn't have to deal with her death yet because I'm just too busy and too unstable.

I'm not saying I didn't feel sorry for my mother. I'm human. I do have a heart. But I didn't feel so much different than if one of you, whom I've never met, told me that your mother, whom you've mentioned only briefly, had suffered a ruptured appendix and just come out of surgery.

And I'm tired of feeling like my feelings aren't good enough, right enough, correct enough. I feel what I feel. I know what I know. I react how I react. If it's not necessarily logical or if you don't have enough insight to understand, I'm tired of having to feeling the need to justify it. It's not just about my mother - it's about everything. Sometimes it's hard doubting yourself all the time because the way you process things doesn't make sense to the black-and-white rational people around you.

I feel what I feel. I'm entitled to that. I trust have to learn to allow myself that.


Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

Melinda said...

We were all made different; a characteristic that we all try so hard to express as soon as we understand self as a child. Yet we still cannot understand why all these different people on earth do not think alike. We are all different, and that is exactly how we are meant to be. Compare your feelings to the situation and your own personal life path, and not to what you think others would feel in that situation.

The Brown Recluse said...

No one can help the way they feel. We can help the way we act, or the way we react, but our feelings are...well...our feelings. Be yourself, don't feel guilty for how you feel, but above all, forgive your mother. I don't say that for her sake, but for yours. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to restore or form a relationship. It just means that you won't have a bitter root growing within you dictating those actions and reactions that we can control.
If you ever need to unload to a sympathic ear...I have one, and so does Jesus. Hang in there, Chicklet!

Betty said...

I understand you more than you know. It´s the pressure of what we "FEEL" we are SUPPOSED to feel, that is the worst. I too, have a difficult relationship with my mother, and now that she is sick (Alzheimer) it is not getting ANY better. I feel guilty as well, for not feeling more compassion with her and not being there more, but I just can´t. I know it´s not much, but I do understand.

Toriz said...

You are entitled to feel however you feel, and shouldn't be ashamed of how you feel. Everyone feels and reacts differently - whether other people like it or not - and you (or anyone else who feels differently to what is considered the "normal" way to feel) shouldn't have to justify your feelings. Everyone is different, so how can everyone feel the same?

TechnoBabe said...

You do. Good for you. Be true to your own feelings and let yourself be healthy. Other things will follow.

fredamans said...

Feelings are ours to own, and you are entitled to feel how you wish. Don't let anyone tell you different, including the ones who matter most!

Be yourself, including your emotions.


Caty said...

My mom wasn't a bad mom...she just didn't show much affection, we were thought to be more a nuisance at times. So, I do understand not being able to fake feelings that aren't there.

holly said...

i love this post. i myself struggle with verbalizing my true feelings sometimes since it's not what people want to hear that i'm feeling. screw that. screw them. we have nothing to apologize for. feelings don't always come the way $4.99 hallmark cards would make you think they do. there's a reason people like us don't write for hallmark.

C. Beth said...

What an honest, heartfelt post, Cate. And is okay to have those feelings. Feelings themselves aren't right or wrong; they just are.

I wish family relationships were always good and simple. Unfortunately the bad, complex relationships are all over the place. You're figuring out more of who you are, and how to relate to your mom as an adult. It may not make things "all better," but I hope you keep coming to more and more of a peace about your relationship, just as it is.

Jazzbumpa said...

You ought to realize that your reaction isn't just a feeling, it's also a rational reaction. From what little I've seen here about her, your mother doesn't deserve one whit more than she gets from you.

Give yourself a break.

Your mom reminds me of my ex (though I'm pretty sure you're not my daughter.) She has no relationship at all with our son, and it's her doing, not his. She has grandchildren who don't know her.

Bottom line - I'm fairly certain you ain't the crazy one.


Jeanie said...

You are not answerable to anyone but yourself for what you feel and only you know completely why you feel (or don't feel) what you do. Let go of the shame and guilt-they can hurt you more than most things.

Sarah said...

Dear Steve,
May I please be invited to follow your blog, too?
Love and kisses,