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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Punishable by Death

Bart calls Moe's Bar.
Moe: Hello?
Moe: Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Bart: Bwahahahaha!
So I have a confession. I pee frequently. Not freely, mind you. Just frequently.

This is my father's fault. As a child, every time we would go anywhere, he'd ask me if I had used the bathroom first. In fact, he insisted that I always used the bathroom before I got in the car.

Once I was old enough to start giving this some thought, I asked why.

My father, my hero, said, "Well, once there was a family in a car accident. They all would've survived. Except they didn't pee before they left home so when their car crashed, their bladders all burst, causing them to die. And that's why it's so important for you to use the bathroom before you get in the car, every time. Also, you never know if the place you're going even has a bathroom. Or if you might be stuck in traffic. The longer you go without going, the greater the chances that your bladder might burst!"

At thirty-ahemthroatclearing-years old, guess what? I still run to the restroom EVERY time we go somewhere, every time there is an opportunity. Because some part of me is still afraid that I might get in an accident and I'll die. Or that I might end up in the Land of No Bathrooms.

Why am I sharing this? This past weekend, Joe and I took a road trip from our undisclosed location. We were on the road for several hours. And at (almost) every rest area, Joe would ask if I needed to stop. "No!" I would proclaim, somehow proud of something so stupid as not needing every restroom (Sidebar: This is actually quite an accomplishment for a girl who has had to stop frequently in the past due to the travel anxiety making me sick as hell).

So proud, so awesome. That is, until we pulled off the highway and onto the country sideroads. Aka, The Land of No Bathrooms. Which resulted in this tweet:
Tired of being in the car. And of course I didn't have to pee until we left the highway. No rest areas here. Just tractors.
To which the ever-wise Beth from C. Beth Blog responded thusly:
Yeah, I suppose a farmer would get mad if you peed in his tractor.
Totally true.

So I realize the whole "you're gonna die if you don't pee before we leave the house" was probably just my father's misguided way of avoiding unscheduled pit-stops on the road. Probably it isn't true that your bladder will burst and you will die. However, being so desperate that you resort to peeing on a farmer's tractor? That might not be a traffic accident, but it could still result in death if it makes the farmer angry enough. I guess Dad is always right, even if it's for the wrong reasons.


Melinda said...

The lade of no bathrooms is a horrible place to be. I was there once and it ranked in the top ten of the worst things to ever happen to me. We were in hour three of travels with no pit stops and get stuck in the traffic jam to end all traffic jams on the freeway. It was so bad I got out of the car, walked along the freeway and up the on ramp to find a bathroom. Yeah, that was me waddling up the on ramp as fast as I could hoping I wouldn't pee my pants. My dad came and picked me up and we waited for my poor husband to finish navigating the traffic jam. Now I always pee before I leave and make a pit stop just in case.

TMC said...

I'm a frequent go-er too though I can usually wait until we find a tidy Taco Bell or somewhere like that to go. I'd rather squat among the trees than use a conventional rest stop loo. Some of them are pretty nice, though.

Juniper said...

Try walking a long distance path even for 3 days, carrying everything, wild camping... you get imaginative where you go to pee (and other things...). The time we did a walk that passed through villages we learned the 'never walk past a public toilet without using it' rule ;-)

Jeanie said...

I'm a big fan of the preventive pee.

One of a Witchy Kind said...

My mom is this way, always peeing every chance she gets, got it from her dad too (mom being from a huge family they didn't want to mess with accidents) so yeah she taught it to me. I can hold my pee, but man, somedays i'm like darn, should've used the restroom back there, i gotta go NOW!!! I actually peed in a public parking lot with both doors open in the way back cause i waited too long!!

C. Beth said...

Ha ha--very true. I'm rather relieved you didn't test the farmer's temper by christening his tractor.

Diane said...

I agree with your dad and that was how I was raised too. No potty stops on the road go before you leave. That was two kids ago for me, so things have changed a little here..... :O)

Toriz said...

I'm another who has to pee a lot. Different reason though (medical reason, that's all I'm willing to say on the blogs). So I've gotten in the habit of going to any "restrooms" we pass just in case. Otherwise I'll only realise I have to pee as soon as it's too late, and in my case I'd have to risk annoying a farmer. ;)

What is it with dDad's? My Dad wanted me to learn everything they were teaching me at school, I think, because I askeed him one time why I needed to know this stuff, and he said, "if you're ever abducted by aliens, it could save your life!" When I asked how come, he told me that the aliens might say, "answer one question, and I will spare your life," so the more you know, the more chance you have of answering the question, and as a result, the more chance you have of surviving if aliens invade Earth.

Toriz said...

Sorry about the typos... I make a lot lately. *Sigh*

Juniper said...

Toriz, that is brilliant! I'm quite disappointed that my dad never came up with any stories like that; I feel let down somehow.


Kaylen said...

Wow, your dad's notch parenting. :)
I have never considered that I might die if I don't pee, nor have I heard anything like this,but good for him for getting his point across regardless of reality.
I always go to the bathroom before I leave-just in case!!!-and if we take too long loading the car or getting in the car and leaving-I'll make my son wait while I go try again... just in case!!!

Karen Sather said...

I think his logic is much like Mothers who demand clean underwear everyday just in case you end up in the hospital! But it is amazing isn't it the things we believe we need to say just to get our children to do what we want. Like the real truth would never work!..still all those things my parent's said are still in my head. Like shoes on the bed! Oh No! bad luck will strike you down...really?

Brenda Susan said...

Haha! Very funny! and familiar! Sadly, my arrival into the ranks of 50 somethings came with a tendency to need to go more due to fear of leakage! I agree with Jeanie who said she is a fan of the preventive pee.

Sassy Britches said...

Ah, but your dad had never heard of a pStyle yet, now had he?

P.S. I still pee all the time too; preventive or otherwise.

Jazzbumpa said...

Well, ladies, I have some bad news. As you continue to age (and I wish all of you long and healthy lives) this will only get worse.

Lo siento,