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Friday, April 08, 2011

I Should Shush

Trying something new today. Some heavy things on my mind so I'm just going to let them flow in hopes that it will be therapeutic.

Sometimes I talk too much. I share too much. I'm the kind of person who holds things in for far too long and then it all comes whooshing out - including all related issues or non-related issues. Sometimes it's because I just can't hold it in anymore. Sometimes it's because I feel like the right thing to do is to share myself.

Often, the more you don't talk, the more I do talk. "We each fill the silence with our own insecurities." (That's from a short-lived but brilliant show called Keen Eddie.) I certainly fill the silence with mine.

I keep talking, hoping something will trigger a response. Some reassurance. Questions. Even an objection.

Silence.

When it's over, instead of feeling good for opening up and making myself vulnerable, I worry that you now see me as a burden. Weak. Worse yet, crazy.

And that's why I stay so locked up inside my own head. Because every time I start to feel a bit of self-confidence and I want to own who I am, I regret it later. Rather than feeling empowered, I feel ashamed and wish I could take it all back.

I don't know how to change the way I feel about that. I don't know if it's ME that needs to change how I feel about that. But the one thing I do know is that I'm doing the right things now for me, and I'm going to keep doing them.

P.S. Alanis Morissette might consider this post ironic - free flow babble about how I talk too much. I've been told though that most of the things she calls ironic aren't actually ironic. Also? I don't think Alanis Morissette cares about this post.

8 comments:

C. Beth said...

I have had that sort of conversation before and it's very frustrating. I'm sorry.

I think sometimes it takes men longer to "process" things. I hope you're able to have a productive follow-up talk later.

Toriz said...

I think this is a good post, and also that you should feel free to talk about anything you want to talk about. Doesn't matter what we think, really!


I do understand the worries afterwards though. That's a similar reason to why I'm careful about what I talk about.

The Brown Recluse said...

I think all...or at least most...women feel the exact same way. Men often just don't get it, even when you spell it out for them.
And then they think we're crazy when we accuse them of not loving us. At least that's how it is in my household.
PS: Ironically, I spoke with Alanis just yesterday. She said she thinks you should show your face.

TMC said...

I do the same thing.

Debbi said...

I think you're absolutely crazy....


Alannis TOTALLY cares about the post. Well, she would, if she read it. Because you would have validated the insecurities we probably ALL have, Alannis included.

Love ya.

Krislin Neo, Ting (Syracuse Pike) said...

I can so related to this... Yes, especially about feel weak, as though adding or becoming a burden.. That's like a cycle.. a hard cycle to break for me.. :(

Krislin Neo, Ting (Syracuse Pike) said...

I can so related to this... Yes, especially about feel weak, as though adding or becoming a burden.. That's like a cycle.. a hard cycle to break for me.. :(

Eternal Lizdom said...

I think that when you realize and recognize your authentic self and who you are meant to be and you make choices that strive towards that being, the ones who matter will stay with you and also grow into their beautiful selves and the ones who don't will fall away.

I also think there is a beautiful thing about silence in a conversation. I can sometimes be silent but I have a harder time accepting someone else's silence without pressing my own assumptions onto their silence. If that makes sense.