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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Multiple Punches in the Face to Mother Nature

I'm generally a big fan of nature.  Friend to the earth, champion of critters, that kind of crap.  Well, not today.  Mother Nature ripped through my area this weekend, leaving me huddled in the downstairs bathroom with one husband and two cats, seriously afraid for our lives.  The tornado passed us by, staying East of us by the wide margin of four miles.  And even though I thanked her sincerely and frequently, Mother Nature has continued to aggravate me.  Two specific awards for her persistence:

Dear Mr. Bee,

You pollinate flowers.  I like flowers.  You make honey.  I like honey. You are big and loud and buzz by my head to freak me out. I cringe but let you go on your merry way.  WE paid for our porch.  YOU are boring holes in it.  Boring as in digging.  Not as in putting it to sleep with stories about your grampa.

This, Mr. Bee (because you MUST be a mister), is where we will have to part ways. I didn't pay eleventy bajillion dollars for you to destroy my lovely porch. I tried to warn you by using the garden hose, but you wouldn't stay away. Despite multiple water warnings, you returned. And then Joe had to finish the job, permanently.

Goodbye, Mr. Bee.

Death is the ultimate punch in the face,


Dear Stupid Birds,

Every year, I put up a lovely hanging basket of flowers on our front porch. Every year, you build a nest in it. This results in the following:

  1. Bird crap all around my front door.
  2. Freaked out birds flapping around every time we use the door because OMG YOU ARE TOO NEAR MY NEST!!!!
  3. Death to flowers.
  4. Incessant early morning CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP from your baby birds right under my bedroom window.

Oh, birdies. I'm sorry I threw your nest on the ground but I don't want you putting your babies there. Why can't you build your nest in that nice tree right over there? I wouldn't even mind your lovely songs if I didn't have to deal with the destruction of my flowers and front entry.

Your babies may be cute but I'll still punch you in the face for destroying my stuff,


P.S. Just to clarify - the nest WAS empty when I removed it. I would never disturb the eggs if they were already there. I just beat them to it this year.

8 comments:

The Brown Recluse said...

Those bees are such a nuisance!! They attack our back porch every year!!

(I hope the nest was empty...)

Glad you're OK from all the storms.

Kathy said...

Darn those pesky birds and bees! :) We have the same types of problems. Cute post!

C. Beth said...

So the bees were trying to take over your house? You could have been one of those crazy stories where someone encounters millions of bees in a populated area. That would have been awesome! (Or maybe not.)

John said...

We have the same issue with birds & the hanging basket. Unfortunately, the cat took care of the baby bird problem last year . . . they haven't even tried again this year.

Toni said...

I'm really glad the tornadoes missed you! We have some friends who also escaped the storms by a very narrow margin. Scary stuff!!

soulbrush said...

You will have to stop making me giggle...I know this is serious, but I just love the way you elaborate.

Toriz said...

So... You're not enjoying Spring so far then?


I hate bees... Why do they have to come and buzz around me all the time? I'm not a flower!

Kathe W. said...

aie yie yie....nature is a beast this year!