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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Six Word Saturday

coming to a city near you



Or not.  I have a couple of trips coming up soon.  In fact, I'm on one right now (which means visits are going to be slim from me this week, sorry!).  Posts will probably be more sparse than usual, though I'm working on a plan to change that.


Want to play along? All that's necessary to participate is to describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. For more information, try clicking here. Feel free to explain or not explain. Add an image, a video, a song, nothing. I love seeing what everyone does with their entries.

Each week (probably on Sunday or Monday), I use random.org to select a bunch of entries to visit.  Or I visit everyone. Depends on what's going on that week.  In addition, please visit the person ahead of you on the list (or visit everyone if you like!). That way everyone receives at least one visit!

If you play along in your blog, please add a link to the Mr. Linky. I appreciate a link back (shiny code below if you like!). Otherwise, you're welcome to leave your six words in this post as a comment.

Please be sure to link either to your main page or (preferably) directly to the 6WS post. Links to blogs that do not contain a 6WS entry will be removed (sorry, just the button in the sidebar doesn't count as participating).



Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Why No Jorts?

Recently it came to my attention that adults should not wear jean shorts. It's a fashion "don't" according to, well, someone.

Maybe it's because I grew up in the sticks but I really didn't realize this until I was in my 30s. In fact, I have two pair of denim shorts in my wardrobe now. Are these all of a sudden evil? Should I burn them, like the great bra burnings of the 60s and 70s? Does it matter what cut or color or who is wearing them? Are there ever acceptable situations for wearing jean shorts?

If they're so forbidden, someone needs to tell the retailers. Gap, Old Navy, American Eagle. Even "designer" brands like 7 For All Mankind and True Religion offer jean shorts.

What if they're stolen? Does that make a difference?

So leave a comment and tell me - do YOU wear jean shorts? Is this just some thing I've missed in my sheltered upbringing? Help keep me from embarrassing myself. At least on this issue - I'm sure I can embarrass myself in many other ways and I won't hold you responsible. That's just too much to ask of anyone when I'm so creative at it.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I Stole a Shirt

This weekend, we made a trip to our warehouse store of choice. We only go when we're desperately out of things, which makes the sting all that worse when we head to the cash register. But this time, I helped lower our total by stealing a shirt. Yep, a little five-finger discount in aisle seven.

Eh, am I fooling anyone? I like to think I'm a total bad-ass, but probably notsomuch. The truth is just so much less interesting and I'm trying to build up some street-cred so people will fear me once I put my plan for world domination in action.

Anyways, I was looking at their clothes and decided to buy two items (there's the bad-ass part - yeah, I buy clothes at a warehouse store from time to time!). The shirt was on a hanger. The sweater was not. In order to keep the two together and free of meat debris once we hit the food aisles, I placed the sweater on the hanger with the shirt. See, smart! And when I did this, I thought to myself that I should make sure to separate them once we hit the checkout so I didn't accidentally steal a shirt.

Fast-forward four hours later and we're finally done shopping and heading to the registers. I left Joe in line with the cart and made a quick dash to the loo so I wouldn't pee myself on the way home in his car. I'm so considerate!

I didn't think about the shirt again until I was helping load the car and saw them hanging there, still nicely intertwined. Uh oh. I checked the receipt and sure enough, I had stolen a shirt. Dammit!

Back to the store I went. I thought about trying to pretend I was from the corporate office, conducting field inspections to see how thoroughly employees were working to prevent shoplifting, but it was really my mistake and I didn't want to get the cashier in trouble. Plus, you know, it wasn't exactly truthful. Customer service thanked me for my honesty, charged me for the second shirt, and sent me on my way.

Exciting, really, living a life of crime. Now I can add "petty theft" to the list of skills on my resume. Any of you want to hire me?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Six Word Saturday

Jelly beans? Yuck. Where's the chocolate?


Want to play along? All that's necessary to participate is to describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. For more information, try clicking here. Feel free to explain or not explain. Add an image, a video, a song, nothing. I love seeing what everyone does with their entries.

Each week (probably on Sunday or Monday), I use random.org to select a bunch of entries to visit.  Or I visit everyone. Depends on what's going on that week.  In addition, please visit the person ahead of you on the list (or visit everyone if you like!). That way everyone receives at least one visit!

If you play along in your blog, please add a link to the Mr. Linky. I appreciate a link back (shiny code below if you like!). Otherwise, you're welcome to leave your six words in this post as a comment.

Please be sure to link either to your main page or (preferably) directly to the 6WS post. Links to blogs that do not contain a 6WS entry will be removed (sorry, just the button in the sidebar doesn't count as participating).



Thursday, April 21, 2011

Multiple Punches in the Face to Mother Nature

I'm generally a big fan of nature.  Friend to the earth, champion of critters, that kind of crap.  Well, not today.  Mother Nature ripped through my area this weekend, leaving me huddled in the downstairs bathroom with one husband and two cats, seriously afraid for our lives.  The tornado passed us by, staying East of us by the wide margin of four miles.  And even though I thanked her sincerely and frequently, Mother Nature has continued to aggravate me.  Two specific awards for her persistence:

Dear Mr. Bee,

You pollinate flowers.  I like flowers.  You make honey.  I like honey. You are big and loud and buzz by my head to freak me out. I cringe but let you go on your merry way.  WE paid for our porch.  YOU are boring holes in it.  Boring as in digging.  Not as in putting it to sleep with stories about your grampa.

This, Mr. Bee (because you MUST be a mister), is where we will have to part ways. I didn't pay eleventy bajillion dollars for you to destroy my lovely porch. I tried to warn you by using the garden hose, but you wouldn't stay away. Despite multiple water warnings, you returned. And then Joe had to finish the job, permanently.

Goodbye, Mr. Bee.

Death is the ultimate punch in the face,


Dear Stupid Birds,

Every year, I put up a lovely hanging basket of flowers on our front porch. Every year, you build a nest in it. This results in the following:

  1. Bird crap all around my front door.
  2. Freaked out birds flapping around every time we use the door because OMG YOU ARE TOO NEAR MY NEST!!!!
  3. Death to flowers.
  4. Incessant early morning CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP from your baby birds right under my bedroom window.

Oh, birdies. I'm sorry I threw your nest on the ground but I don't want you putting your babies there. Why can't you build your nest in that nice tree right over there? I wouldn't even mind your lovely songs if I didn't have to deal with the destruction of my flowers and front entry.

Your babies may be cute but I'll still punch you in the face for destroying my stuff,


P.S. Just to clarify - the nest WAS empty when I removed it. I would never disturb the eggs if they were already there. I just beat them to it this year.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Six Word Saturday

making million$ selling junk in rain


Want to play along? All that's necessary to participate is to describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. For more information, try clicking here. Feel free to explain or not explain. Add an image, a video, a song, nothing. I love seeing what everyone does with their entries.

Each week (probably on Sunday or Monday), I use random.org to select a bunch of entries to visit.  Or I visit everyone. Depends on what's going on that week.  In addition, please visit the person ahead of you on the list (or visit everyone if you like!). That way everyone receives at least one visit!

If you play along in your blog, please add a link to the Mr. Linky. I appreciate a link back (shiny code below if you like!). Otherwise, you're welcome to leave your six words in this post as a comment.

Please be sure to link either to your main page or (preferably) directly to the 6WS post. Links to blogs that do not contain a 6WS entry will be removed (sorry, just the button in the sidebar doesn't count as participating).



Friday, April 15, 2011

This Book Stinks

No, really, it does. I first discovered the Kinsey Millhone (A is for Alibi) series back in college. And since I was poor, I often bought the books on Ebay. I don't own the entire collection since I picked up a few at the local library.

However, I own "I is for Innocent". I'm sure it was an Ebay purchase. And I'm sure I never read this physical copy of the book (it was probably part of a lot sale) because ugh. It stinks. Literally. By which I actually mean literally as opposed to people who say literally and have no idea what that means. The book smells awful. It's also very yellow. And the pages are falling out as I read it.

So while the story may be fine, the book stinks. My hands also stink after I spend time reading it. This is why I super-value items that come from a non-smoking home. Yuck.

Also, if YOU value items from a non-smoking home, come to my undisclosed location tomorrow to buy my junk. Seems the lady in the neighborhood that offered to place the ads decided to completely disregard the whole "Saturday, with a rain date of Sunday" thing. Instead she placed them all as "Saturday, rain or shine!" because turns out she's not available on Sunday. I'm tempted to earn the reputation of "Neighbor Who Punches Stupid People In The Face." This is why I'm a control-freak and I insist on doing everything myself.

And now, I'm off to plug my nose and read my book, even though it stinks.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Zumba Guy

Yesterday, while plodding away at my hour-long elliptical torture workout, there was a Zumba class going on in the room across the hall. If you're not familiar, it's a sort of hip-hop dance workout. I've always thought Zumba sounds like a fun idea but that I'm probably not coordinated enough for it. Watching the class pretty much confirmed that.

I like to not only watch the instructors in those classes but also the participants - it gives me an idea for how well people are following along and how much "messing up" is happening. The participants are primarily women but today I noticed a guy doing Zumba right in the front row.

Or, well, maybe he wasn't doing Zumba. I'm not sure what you would call those moves. There were random kicks and punches, Snoopy dancing, Chippendale thrusts, and spins. None of these were even close to what the rest of the class was doing.

Either this guy is my hero for getting an amazing cardio workout without being self-conscious about his lack of, umm, Zumba skills, or he was getting an amazing cardio workout by being in the front row and watching the instructor. By law (or not), Zumba instructors seem to have two important features - a nice round booty and a good amount of cleavage. This instructor probably graduated at the top of her class based on those criteria and I find it hard to believe this was lost on Mr. Zumba. Either way, I'm sure his heart rate was sufficiently elevated to burn a few calories.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Selling My Junk

I want to begin by making it perfectly clear that this post has nothing to do with drugs or prostitution. (Let's just wait while those people leave, okay?)

Alright, I'm talking about our neighborhood yard sale this weekend. The 'hood has a couple of these a year but we've never participated. After being home all winter in this house with all this crap, I want to off-load oodles of it.

There's a little bit of everything: books, dvds, a printer, a nice computer monitor, lamps, dust-collectors, a whole set of corelle plates/cups/casserole dishes, glass vases, garage junk. I've also decided having two cats around the house is a bit extravagant so I've threatened them both that whoever pisses me off the most between now and Saturday is getting a "free" sticker.

I have no idea what to put on any of this stuff for prices. I'm planning on grouping things - all paperbacks the same price, all dvds the same price, etc. But what price IS that? And how do you determine the price on a lamp? My goal is to get as much as possible out of the house while still bringing in a bit of cash. I'm not looking to get rich or fund a huge project, but at the same time I'm not so desperate to be rid of it that I'll just put a "free" sign on the whole lot (donating to Goodwill would at least get us a tax deduction in that case).

Any tips? Any great resources? I've already made sure my xanax is in good supply because I hate dealing with people and I hate talking prices and I really hate dealing with people who are talking prices. Also, don't judge me based on my stuff!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Joys of Married Life, Episode #827

Today's post goes out to my single readers who think they'd like to be married some day. I'm going to lift the curtain and give you a peek at married life. You'll thank me later.

This is typical, though not a transcript of a specific morning. I'm sound asleep. Joe is awake, getting ready for work. He "accidentally" clears his throat next to my side of the bed, waking me up.

Joe: Oh, you awake? Mind shaving the back of my neck for me?"

Really? I mean, A) you just woke me up so I'm not quite coherent, and B) you just woke me up and so I am quite pissed.

Sure, hand me a razor. I'd love to have a go at your face/throat/neck. Brilliant idea.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Jazz Hands Book Club

Last night, we conducted the first official meeting of the Jazz Hands Book Club (#jhbc on Twitter). Four of us (Beth, Melinda, Toni, and me) read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".

It's a well-known fact around the twitterverse that I'm not a fan of sci-fi (the other three ladies all enjoy it). Still, the book was a lot of fun. I enjoyed the characters and the playful writing style. So many quotables!

It says that the effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

"This must be Thursday," said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. "I never could get the hang of Thursdays."

(Sass: know, be aware of, meet, have sex with; hoop: really together guy; frood: really amazingly together guy.)

"And then I will do it again!" yelled Arthur. "And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them!"

"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now."

Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

See? Fun reading. And fun discussion with a fun group of ladies last night. We will definitely do #jhbc again.

Also, for those of you keeping track (which I realize is likely only me), this was book #12 for me this year. I'm well on my way to making my 30 book goal!

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Six Word Saturday

Inspired, making changes, afraid, exhausted, hopeful


Want to play along? All that's necessary to participate is to describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. For more information, try clicking here. Feel free to explain or not explain. Add an image, a video, a song, nothing. I love seeing what everyone does with their entries.

Each week (probably on Sunday or Monday), I use random.org to select a bunch of entries to visit.  Or I visit everyone. Depends on what's going on that week.  In addition, please visit the person ahead of you on the list (or visit everyone if you like!). That way everyone receives at least one visit!

If you play along in your blog, please add a link to the Mr. Linky. I appreciate a link back (shiny code below if you like!). Otherwise, you're welcome to leave your six words in this post as a comment.

Please be sure to link either to your main page or (preferably) directly to the 6WS post. Links to blogs that do not contain a 6WS entry will be removed (sorry, just the button in the sidebar doesn't count as participating).



Friday, April 08, 2011

I Should Shush

Trying something new today. Some heavy things on my mind so I'm just going to let them flow in hopes that it will be therapeutic.

Sometimes I talk too much. I share too much. I'm the kind of person who holds things in for far too long and then it all comes whooshing out - including all related issues or non-related issues. Sometimes it's because I just can't hold it in anymore. Sometimes it's because I feel like the right thing to do is to share myself.

Often, the more you don't talk, the more I do talk. "We each fill the silence with our own insecurities." (That's from a short-lived but brilliant show called Keen Eddie.) I certainly fill the silence with mine.

I keep talking, hoping something will trigger a response. Some reassurance. Questions. Even an objection.

Silence.

When it's over, instead of feeling good for opening up and making myself vulnerable, I worry that you now see me as a burden. Weak. Worse yet, crazy.

And that's why I stay so locked up inside my own head. Because every time I start to feel a bit of self-confidence and I want to own who I am, I regret it later. Rather than feeling empowered, I feel ashamed and wish I could take it all back.

I don't know how to change the way I feel about that. I don't know if it's ME that needs to change how I feel about that. But the one thing I do know is that I'm doing the right things now for me, and I'm going to keep doing them.

P.S. Alanis Morissette might consider this post ironic - free flow babble about how I talk too much. I've been told though that most of the things she calls ironic aren't actually ironic. Also? I don't think Alanis Morissette cares about this post.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

First Fursday: The Cat With No Meow

Once upon a time, there was a kitty named Rusty. He was a very nice kitty, but it wasn't long before his humans noticed that his meow was broken.

He tried to meow, but all that came out was a sad squeak. It sounded like he needed a glass of water or maybe some tea for his kitty-laryngitis.

His new sister had a very loud meow and she used it often. The humans asked her every night to sing for her supper and she sang repeatedly. She also meowed from upstairs if the humans were downstairs or from the foot of the bed if the humans were sleeping. He was sure she was doing it in just to mock him and he felt ashamed.

Then one night, long-haired human asked Rusty to sing for his porch. She said "if you want out there SO badly, you can sing for it!" Short-haired human laughed because he knew there was no way Rusty would sing.

But Rusty sat down, took a deep breath, and let out a mighty RAWR!!!


Rusty's meow is still weak, but he has learned to save it up for the things that matter most - like crunchies and porch time. Tonya still meows without discretion. The humans are waiting for the day when she meows and Rusty meows back, tell her to STFU (you know, shut the fluff up!).

Maybe she'll listen to him, because she sure doesn't listen to the humans.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

My Big Goal: A Promise

This month, I'm participating in Chalene Johnson's 30 Day Challenge. Thanks to Sally for making me aware of it. We were actually going to participate together in March but I was too late signing up.

Starting off, I wasn't sure if I was going to like it. Chalene reminds me a bit of the pretty and perfect people that make me stabby. I realize this is due to my own insecurity and a tendency to make someone else the weirdo in order to make myself feel better.

Anyways, the past few days have been about recognizing our values and defining our goals. We made a list of ten life goals, which seemed kind of huge at first, especially only a few days into the program. Still, it was interesting to look at my list. The first five or six came easily. The last few, I struggled to define. We're actually supposed to write a new list of goals each week, without looking back, to see what consistencies emerge.

Once that list is together, we are supposed to define a "push" goal. That's the one goal on the list that makes all the others possible. It was interesting, because rather than be overwhelmed by focusing on all ten (well, I was really only going to focus on the first five or six), it allows you to focus on just the one goal that will help the others fall into place.

She suggested that we make a promise not just to ourselves but to others that we would make that goal. She then recommended posting it very publicly, using Twitter, Facebook, blogs, whatever was at our disposal. And while I realize this isn't the most fascinating post in the world, I haven't been coming up with much of ANY posts lately so I might as well.

My promise to myself and everyone around me is to improve my health. Primarily, this is about my weight. For me, anxiety meant medication meant weight gain meant depression. Suddenly I find myself feeling miserable about my body and it's destroying all of my self-confidence, which is really keeping me from all of those other goals.

It was suggested by a friend that I could focus on building self-confidence and accepting myself as I am now. I'm working on that too, but I also feel like regardless of my body image issues, my health is at stake. Maybe I can kill two birds with one stone, focusing on the problem rather than placating the symptoms, which is what it feels like to me if I convince myself that it's okay to be so overweight.

So there's my promise. How am I going to get there? Since I'm not working an 8-5, I'm trying to turn myself into a bit of a gym rat. My goal is four hours of elliptical per week (which equates to four GOOD days on the elliptical). On days I don't make it to the gym, I try to spend about an hour on my recumbent bike. One day off per week. I'm also drinking a lot more water, taking my vitamins each day, and being more mindful of my calorie intake.

Not rocket science. Just doing the things we all know we should do anyways. And committing to making a difference. Encouragement welcome! Anyone out there looking for an accountability partner, let me know!

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

I Want To...

... post something here.

Any suggestions?

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Six Word Saturday

much to do but - oooh, shiny!


Want to play along? All that's necessary to participate is to describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. For more information, try clicking here. Feel free to explain or not explain. Add an image, a video, a song, nothing. I love seeing what everyone does with their entries.

Each week (probably on Sunday or Monday), I use random.org to select a bunch of entries to visit.  Or I visit everyone. Depends on what's going on that week.  In addition, please visit the person ahead of you on the list (or visit everyone if you like!). That way everyone receives at least one visit!

If you play along in your blog, please add a link to the Mr. Linky. I appreciate a link back (shiny code below if you like!). Otherwise, you're welcome to leave your six words in this post as a comment.

Please be sure to link either to your main page or (preferably) directly to the 6WS post. Links to blogs that do not contain a 6WS entry will be removed (sorry, just the button in the sidebar doesn't count as participating).